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Post by Chris on May 11, 2007 20:32:48 GMT
For your enjoyment. Some great stand-up jokes- Lee Mack''I remember the last thing my gran said to me before she died. 'Hey, what are you doing in here with that hammer?''' ''I got recognised in Dixons the other day. This assistant came up to me and said 'eh, your that mad bloke off the telly'. I went 'yeah, that's me'. And he said 'no, you're that mad bloke. Off the telly.''' 'My Dad's very funny. He's the kind of person who could read out a phone directory and he'd be funny. Mind you, he used to do it with his cock out.' Tim Vine'One armed butlers, eh? They can take it, but they can't give it out' 'I don't do Spanish jokes. No way, Jose' 'I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought 'you're trying to pull a fast one.'' Frankie Boyle'Remember when you heard Mel Gibson was to play William Wallace in Braceheart? Everyone thought he'd never make a convincing Scot. Look at him now. An alcoholic racist. Sorry we ever doubted you Mel!'' Jack Dee'I've had death threats - well, OK, a petition.' Add some others if you have heard any  |
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Post by RedArmy20 on May 11, 2007 21:31:19 GMT
hahhahaahha brilliant!...i cant come up with any right now, but surely someone else has other stand-up jokes? |
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Post by Vidic>Superman on May 12, 2007 6:56:33 GMT
Hahaha! Frankie Boyle is brilliant!
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Post by Carlito's Way on May 12, 2007 11:46:22 GMT
Can't remember who said these but:
"I went bobsleighing the other day. Killed twenty bobs."
"I went to see a child psychologist. He was shit, he was only 7. I've got problems, he wants to play kerplunk."
"I was sat watching TV the other day with my girlfriend and the doorbell rang. She said, "Ooh, who could that be at this time of night?" I dunno, that's why I got a door."
"When the boys in the playground found out I had a potentially fatal allergy to peanuts, they used to shove me up against the wall, and make me play Russian roulette with a bag of Revels."
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Post by Vidic>Superman on May 12, 2007 11:55:52 GMT
"I went to see a child psychologist. He was shit, he was only 7. I've got problems, he wants to play kerplunk." Haha! |
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Post by Dizzy on May 23, 2007 18:28:19 GMT
Tim Vine jokes are legendary !
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Post by redom on May 23, 2007 18:35:14 GMT
"I went bobsleighing the other day. Killed twenty bobs." loved that one
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Post by Chris on Jun 16, 2007 13:30:06 GMT
Ricky Gervais
I love watching educational programs on the documentry channel. You find out interesting facts about nazis and sharks. A shark can smell the slightest excrement coming from a human body from 5 miles away. A shark would have found Anne Frank like that!
How did they not know she was in that house. Did nobody think to look upstairs? "Hey sargent whats the tapping?" "nothing, move on". Its a good book, but no sequel. Lazy.
If you give birth to an egg, you don't call it Humpty Dumpty
You have got to watch this too. This is Ricky Gervais talking about the bible
This is from his animals DVD. If you haven't seen it, you should go out and buy it. Hillarious.
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Post by Carlito's Way on Jun 16, 2007 15:23:02 GMT
Bill Bailey: "I've been thinking about growing my beard. I thought it'd be quite interesting to grow it down to my waist and then plait it in with my pubes to make a rudimentary harp. You'd be able to alter the pitch just by nodding your head."
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Post by RedArmy20 on Jun 16, 2007 18:22:32 GMT
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amie07
United School Boy
plg%%Rio Ferdinand%%
Posts: 3
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Post by amie07 on Jun 16, 2007 19:11:36 GMT
a manchester united fan a liverpool fan and a jamaican man on a maternity ward, the nurse says sorry but ive mixed up the babies, the united fan walks over picks up the black baby, the jamaican goes thats clearly mine mate, the man u fan replies look mate 1 them fuckers is a scouser and im not taking any chances!! ;D
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Post by Red Devil Eire on Jun 16, 2007 19:14:21 GMT
a manchester united fan a liverpool fan and a jamaican man on a maternity ward, the nurse says sorry but ive mixed up the babies, the united fan walks over picks up the black baby, the jamaican goes thats clearly mine mate, the man u fan replies look mate 1 them fuckers is a scouser and im not taking any chances!! ;D Excellent, i loved that! |
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Post by ArmandTamsarian on Jun 19, 2007 20:10:55 GMT
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?....
.....He choked on his own vimto.
This probably doesnt work outside the north of England..sorry.
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Post by aussiegraham (Ret.) on Jun 20, 2007 6:55:36 GMT
"How big's yer dick?"
"3 inches!"
"What, a big, fat fucker like you only has 3 inches?!"
"From the ground twat! From the ground!"
Chubby Brown (one very funny fucker!)
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Bornared
United Youth Teamer
plg%%Vidic%%
Posts: 122
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Post by Bornared on Jun 20, 2007 9:43:03 GMT
I was doing some decorating the other day, so I got out my step ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.- Harry Hill
So I was in my car and driving along when my boss rang me up and said
"You've been promoted"
And I swerved. And then he rang up again and said
"You've been promoted again"
And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said
"You've been made managing director"
And I swerved into a tree. And a policeman came up and said
"What happened to you?"
And I said; " I careered off the road"- Tim Vine
I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep- not screaming like his passengers- Bob Monkhouse.
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