Post by Chris on Aug 23, 2010 20:14:49 GMT
Top ten best jokes judged at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe
1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."
10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
And the worst…
Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"
John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."
1) Tim Vine - "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2) David Gibson - "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3) Emo Philips - "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4) Jack Whitehall - "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5) Gary Delaney - "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6) John Bishop - "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7) Bo Burnham - "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8) Gary Delaney - "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9) Robert White - "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty."
10) Gareth Richards - "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"
And the worst…
Sara Pascoe - "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sean Hughes - "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?"
John Luke Roberts - "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
Emo Philips - "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill - "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski - "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."
Doc Brown - "I was born into the music industry. My dad worked in Our Price."
