Post by carlyluvsunited on Jul 10, 2007 20:11:42 GMT
I wrote this on Myspace back in Feb I think.
My experience of watching Superbowel Ooops Bowl.
..........I had a weird out of body experience last night.
They called it Superbowl XLI.
Football .....
Where everyone uses their hands *!*?!*
:-I
Hmmmmmmmm ......
I settled down with ma sis and ma lil friend Tania and my nan and we all looked forward to experiencing this sporting phenomena for the very first time.
Having watched it I'm none the wiser :-O
Kick off and ...
100 guys on each team all charge at each other
Arrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... !!!!!!!!
Booooooom......
One skinny guy kicks the ball as hard as he can.
The ball sails high up into the night sky as the rain pours from the heavens.
Up and up it went and then .............
Thud ... !!!!
Some huge guy catches it and puts his head down and runs like a mother fucker.
92 yards all the way to the end of the pitch and then he stopped - cos he had nowhere else to go I guess.
However ......
They gave him 6 points for doing it.
14 seconds is all it took for him to score.
Then they stopped the clock. Loads of guys all ran off the pitch and loads of 'other' guys ran back on.
100 substitutions all in one go.
In our football (where we use feet as the name suggests by the way) you are allowed 3 substitutions in any one game. In America - fuck it - 100 every 5 mins seems the norm....Hmmmmm
Then this other guy runs on the pitch - all he ever does is kick the ball - he is THE kicker. $2,000,000 a year to sit and wait to kick the ball. Nice ferkin job Mr, lol.
Anyway, on he comes and he has to kick the ball between the posts and he gets an extra point.
Just like in the Rugby yesterday when Jonny Wilkinson did it.
43 metres (yards) from the posts - far, far out wide by the touchline - from this angle he has about a 4 feet gap to kick the ball between.
He stands in his familiar pose, hands clenched as the crowd sit in silence - barely daring to breathe in anticipation of this oh so hard kick.
Then suddenly - like a lion pouncing - he springs forward and left footed - he cracks the ball with all his might - up it goes - its sailing higher and higher towards the posts - the crowds eyes follow it as they hold their breath - the ball screams in at the posts closer and closer and then ...............YES HE DID IT ... !!!!
What a kick.
Likewise in the Superbowl - the points were scored right out there by the touchline. Here we go again.
But ......
Not a bit of it. The kicker gets to go right in front of the posts from 20 yards.
My nan could get on her hands and knees and hit it over the bar with her head - and this muppet gets $2,000,000 a year as a kicker.
Jonny Wilkinson can fire them over the bar from all over the pitch - they'd pay him $10,000,000 - Go Jonny Go, Go, Go ... Jonny Be Good ... !!!!
14 seconds off the clock still - and it took 8 minutes to do it :-O
So here we go again - 100s of new guys on the pitch now and another kick off - same as before but the huge guy who caught the ball inadvertantly fell over the big Jessie.
Then the mad shit started........
The 15 fattest guys with asses like the back end of a bus all line up in front of each other OK.
Then all the other guys who are skinny form a mirror image of each other.
And this quarter back guy stands playing with some other guys testicles for a while. This guy is annoyed and gives the quarter back the ball to stop him fondling him intimately.
Then all hell lets loose and all the guys run up to their mirror image on the pitch and starts to wrestle with them - totally unaware of and totally disinterested in the game now - they just wanna wrestle.
I think the attacking team must have one more guy than the defending team cos the quarter back then gets bored on his own and wants to play with someone and its always this extra guy on the pitch - he throws him the ball - but he never throws it back - hardly fair is it.
Then they all stop fighting - and the clock stops.
They all have a drink - wipe their brows and huff and puff as they try to catch their breath - after all they been playing for 37 seconds now - albeit half an hour had elapsed on my watch
:-P
Anyway ....
They all huddle up and crouch down ready for another fight/wrestle - the quarter back again fondles his friend in the line of fat guys and off they go again. But this time his friend dropped the ball when he threw it to him. "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy ... !!!!!!" they all run over there and jump on top of the ball.
As this happens ........ 125 referees all appear from nowhere and throw lil handkerchiefs at everyone and the game stops - again ... !!!!
At which juncture in time the referee turns on a microphone and proceeds to explain to the crowd exactly what is going on cos no fucker has a clue in America either.
"Holding testicles - number 74 - Offence - 10 yard penalty ... !!!!"
But its his friend - they shower together for fucks sake so no harm done there - is there....?
Well ......
This went on for an hour - I think maybe the clock in the stadium needs attention cos they thought it was only 15 minutes.
But they all stopped and had a nice drink and a chat about their game so far.
Then they did this for another hour and still that shitty stadium clock said it was 15 mins.
Then they must have been bored cos they all fucked off. Half time now ... !!!!
In our football ya got time to go for a pee - buy a coffee or a cup of shitty Bovril and a pie that would kill a horse with the Salmonella it contains and then rush back to catch the second half.
Not so at Superbowl XLI.........
Out comes the biggest fucking stage ya ever did see.
And they have a frickin concert with The Dick Head Formerly known as Prince performing.
Purple knob, purple knob ...............
Tonight I'm gonna party like its 1999 - mother fucker got a time travelling machine has he - yeah right short ass - whatever.
We all fucked off down to Domino's - ordered a pizza - popped in the restaurant up the road while the pizza cooked and had a couple drinks in there - went back to Dominos and picked up the pizza - back to the house and stone me - the short arse cheesy bell end foreskin knob formerly known as Prince was still at it - he doesn't have a name now apparently - just that sign thing - I got a sign for him - it involves my middle finger being extended and thrust in the air in his general direction - fuck off stumpy.
He did eventually.
So now the game was about 3 days old ... !!!
We had slept 4 times - had 12 meals - been to work twice and home again - entertained friends both at home and down the pub and finally - fucking finally - the ref blew the bloody whistle and it was all over thank fuck.
Then the commentator absolutely floored me with what he said.
I just cracked right up.
In football - our version where 'foot' means 'foot/feet' - we have the World Cup - 147 teams enter representing their country. Knock out stages - qualifiers and God knows what over 3 years narrows the field to the finest 32 teams the world has to offer.
Then the tournament starts proper and at the end of that - with 146 teams lying crumpled and beaten by the roadside - the winning team is crowned champions of the world and well done to them I say - its a hell of a job to win the World Cup.
But this guy said ".........and now The Indiannapolis Colts are Champions of the World".
How cool is that then ... ?
Bollocks to letting anyone else have a chance of being Champs of the world eh ... ?
So when Manchester United next win the Premiership (in April, lol) I have now decided they will also be crowned Champions of The World too OK.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm.........
Superbowl XLI - what a game - what an experience - roll on Superbowl XLII - I'm gonna book a week off work and take plenty of Amphetimines so I can actually watch the whole game this time
I can't wait.
And on that bombshell ..................
I'm off to declare myself World Champion at ranting about stuff.
