Post by biffsbit on Feb 7, 2012 21:43:31 GMT
I bought my girlfriend a memory stick.....she hasn't forgotten my beer once since the first beating...
A nun sat on train.
A skinhead sits in front of her eating a bag of prawns. He, then, starts spitting the heads at her. The nun picks them up and throws them out the window.
Suddenly, she pulls the emergency stop cord.
...
The skinhead says, "You stupid bitch! You'll get a £50 fine for that!"
The nun replied, "When I shout rape and the police smell your finger you'll get 10 years."
A man was sitting on a beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug? "
The man said, "No." So she gave him a hug and walked on.
... The second woman said " Have you ever had a kiss? "
The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been f**ked?"
The fellow said, "No."
She said, " Well, you will be when the tide comes in!!."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree. In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration!!!"
Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor blimey! ," exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!."
A nun sat on train.
A skinhead sits in front of her eating a bag of prawns. He, then, starts spitting the heads at her. The nun picks them up and throws them out the window.
Suddenly, she pulls the emergency stop cord.
...
The skinhead says, "You stupid bitch! You'll get a £50 fine for that!"
The nun replied, "When I shout rape and the police smell your finger you'll get 10 years."
A man was sitting on a beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug? "
The man said, "No." So she gave him a hug and walked on.
... The second woman said " Have you ever had a kiss? "
The man said, "No." So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been f**ked?"
The fellow said, "No."
She said, " Well, you will be when the tide comes in!!."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree. In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration!!!"
Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing.
She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor blimey! ," exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them!."
