Post by lukemetal on Sept 23, 2007 21:59:24 GMT
Hmm, not sure if I've posted this in the right place, but it's definitely worth a read, as it amused me in places ;D
It's a long article too, so I hope you've honed your attention span for it.
_________________________________________________
Premier League: the Jose Mourinho memorial minute-by-minute
Manchester United 2 - 0 Chelsea
Tevez 45, Saha 89
Scott Murray
Sunday September 23, 2007
Guardian Unlimited
The new face of Chelsea FC: Peter Kenyon sweating cobs, club chairman Mr Larry David, and Avram the Affectionate Lapdog ("Oh yehyehyehyehyeh")
A tragicomic farce of Heart of Midlothian proportions. That's what we've got on our hands here. Yep. Anyway, the first act in what promises to be a spectacular implosion begins today at 4pm; hold my hand tightly and together we can take our first tentative steps across this barren post-Mourinho wasteland.
Despotic owner named Roman sacks perfectly capable manager; within two years team is shipping last-minute winners at rock-bottom Caley Thistle. You see where I'm heading with this. "Yes, the similarity between Chelsea and the Jam Tarts is astonishing," writes Chris McMillan. "Except for the £500m, the squad of superstars, the league medals and the European runs." Ah, give it a few months.
Manchester United: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Ronaldo, Scholes, Carrick, Giggs, Tevez, Rooney.
Subs: Kuszczak, Saha, Nani, Pique, O'Shea.
Avram the Affectionate Lapdog's first-choice Chelsea team: Abramovich, Kenyon, Buck, Tenenbaum, Zahavi.
Also: Cech, Ferreira, Ben-Haim, Terry, Ashley Cole, Makelele, Essien, Obi, Joe Cole, Shevchenko, Malouda.
Subs: Cudicini, Pizarro, Kalou, Wright-Phillips, Alex.
Cards, whistles, smell my funny flower, etc: Mike Dean (Wirral).
This is going to be great, this. That's what Phil James reckons, and I'm too weak to contradict him. "I predict an excellent match, with all Chelsea 'players attempting to attract attention from overseas. Manchester United to win 4-2."
This is more like it: "This has the potential to be the dullest Big Four clash in history, and that's saying something," shouts Archi Campbell over a torrent of running hot water, between mouthfuls of Tesco Value Gin. "It might even end up with a negative amount of goals." Archi, you're talking my language.
Minute-by-minute Commentator Exposed As Chancer, Just In Case By Some Outside Chance You Hadn't Worked That Out Way Back dept: "Is Steve Clarke technically in charge today due to Avram's lack of qualifications?" asks Richard Finch, knowing full well I have no idea whatsoever. "If so, it's worth mentioning that Clarke took charge of a Newcastle United game after Ruud Gullit resigned. The opponents that day were Manchester United at Old Trafford - and the score was 5-1." This is the sort of thing I should have been telling you, really, isn't it.
Look at what's going on over there: It's Scotland Youth v New Zealand in the Rugby World Cup, with cricket's Lawrence Booth. Gotta love Guardian Unlimited Sport!
And we're off! It's quite noisy at Old Trafford - and it gets even noisier as Giggs and Rooney combine well down the left to force a United corner within 29 seconds. Giggs whips it in, Cech falls over and Scholes so nearly gets his head on it. It's scrambled clear, but a tasty start by the home side.
2 min: What a save from Cech! Rooney storms down the left, cuts inside and, 20 yards out, curls the ball towards the top right corner. It's a fantastic attempt, and in all the way, but Cech tips it over the bar with the very tips of his fingers. Amazing football all round; let's hope it keeps up like this.
4 min: Rio Ferdinand falls over clutching his groin. A lovely image for you, yes it is.
6 min: Chelsea just haven't a clue, although here I'm specifically talking about the team. They can't get hold of the ball at all: Ronaldo jinks and jives down the right and nearly nips it on to Tevez in the area. Again, it's scrambled away. "Why are you not covering the big game today?" asks Mitch Low, a regular contributor to these reports who, if memory serves, is an offshore surveyor on the North Sea and a perennially workshy one at that. "I'm talking about the powder-keg fixture that is Rangers-Aberdeen!" Fair point well made, but instead of cracking the funnies, shouldn't you be buffing the drill pipe of an oil rig, or something?
8 min: Chelsea suddenly get their chops up. First Essien fizzes a wonderful cross in from the right, across the face of United's goal between keeper and back line. Anyone rushing in would have scored; no-one rushed in; no-one scored. Seconds later, Shevchenko picks up the ball on the left and smacks in a rising drive which only just sails high and right of the desperate Van der Sar. The Old Trafford crowd are being terribly beastly about poor Mr Mourinho, using words that start in eff and cee.
12 min: A lull after a whirlwind start. "Despotic Russian oligarchs? Great opponent of tyranny falls on his sword after 'betrayal' by first lieutenant? Why, that's the sort of gripping tale you'll find in 101 World Heroes by Simon Sebag-Montefiore and Dan Jones," writes Dan Jones, "out on October 4th in all good bookshops and available to pre-order here." It's just as well I have no idea who the hell you are, Jonesy, otherwise this could look very cheap indeed.
14 min: Shevchenko nearly steals clear down the right but clumsily leaves the ball behind him when a one-on-one with Van der Sar was on the cards. "The people who criticise Avram Grant should be ashamed of themselves," chides Tommer Spence. "Just look at his Toto Cup victories in 1990 AND 1991! He has the potential to be a greater manager than Jose Mourinho ever was - just let's see how he turns out tonight."
16 min: United claim for a penalty, and I think they may have had a point. Evra gets the better of Joe Cole down the left and races ahead into the box. Cole slides in and doesn't quite get the ball - and Evra goes down. Only thing is, Evra was losing control and possibly on the way down a split second before the challenge came in anyway. I'm trying to see both sides here, and have ended up saying nothing. Let's move onwards and upwards.
END OF PART ONE: "I'm American," writes Eric Calhoun, "and thus new at this, but I thought there weren't supposed to be commercial breaks in soccerball."
20 min: Rooney forces one corner by, erm, then another as Terry deflects his low shot from outside the box. The second corner is useless but United are beginning to turn the screw again, albeit quite slowly and lightly, using a cheap plastic tool you get in a cracker.
22 min: Chelsea were four on two in the United box there, but Ferreira's cross from the right wing is godawful.
24 min: Now it's United's turn to cock a promising situation up bigstyle, as Rooney and Tevez faff around when two-on-one with Terry. They both cut inside rather than spreading the play, and so their attempt at a one-two ends up being deflected away from the danger zone.
26 min: Tevez shouts for a penalty after the ball brushes Ashley Cole's grasping little hand, but no dice. He immediately takes a snapshot which is deflected away for a corner. The corner, fans of surprises, is useless.
28 min: Tevez has another thrash at the ball from 20 yards out on the right, but while it's on target, it's easily saved by Cech.
30 min: Essien cocks around in his own box and is robbed by Rooney, who stands up a cross towards the left post that Giggs should have headed into the net, but tries to sidefoot home instead. It files way over.
31 min: Chelsea win a corn... can't even be bothered to finish that, you know how it all ends up.
31 min and a bit: RED CARD! John Obi Mikel, who played 0 times for Manchester United during his Old Trafford career, goes in a bit late on Evra. His feet are up, yes, but it doesn't look that dangerous. Not that referee Dean cares - that's a straight red and off. That's not a good decision; a yellow would have sufficed there. Avram immediately comes bounding down to the touchline from the dugout; maybe Roman's thrown a stick onto the pitch.
35 min: United win their 463rd corner of the match so far. From it, you know full well etc. Chelsea are, to every last one of their ten man, running around looking totally radged off. "Would it encourage a Tevez goal if I said he seems to be looking like an expensive waste of space?" asks Paul Wilson. Yeah, maybe. I'll try anything. Apart from Rooney's early spectacular shot and Cech's equally fancy save, there's been a lot of high-tempo bluster but precious little to love.
38 min: That's a bit better. Giggs swings a deep free kick into the box. Vidic, standing on the spot, gets his head onto it and powers the ball goalwards; Cech is positioned well, though and catches cleanly.
41 min: Chelsea have a wee rampage up the pitch involving Essien and Joe Cole, but it peters out pointlessly. "Harsh decision with Mikel there," opines Jon Yeats, "but John Terry was trying to pinch the red card out of the ref's hand. Why? What would he have done next if he'd have gotten hold of it? Ran around the pitch playing 'keep away'? They're a jolly likeable bunch, aren't they?"
44 min: So nearly a lovely move there from Chelsea, as the two Coles combine down the left with some smooth, precision passing. Cole swings in a deep cross with nearly finds the head of Shevchenko, who appears to be trying for the first time since April 2006.
47 min 30 secs: GOAL! Manchester United 1 - 0 Chelsea. It's Tevez's first goal for United, as he flicks in a header from close range, getting onto the end of a majestic cross from Giggs, who flicks it across the face of goal from the right with an insouciant brush of the outside of his boot. A brilliant goal - but once again Chelsea are livid. There should only have been two added minutes - but the goal came a good thirty seconds later with play still, for some unknown reason, continuing. Referee Dean is having a shocker here, but congratulations to Paul Wilson (35 min) who has tempted fate in quite spectacular fashion.
HALF TIME: Manchester United 1 - 0 Chelsea. Dean, who probably should have awarded United a penalty, and definitely shouldn't have sent off Mikel, parps on his whistle way too late for Chelsea's liking, then drives off in a car with triangular wheels.
Football '07 with Barry Norman: "It's about time Tevez got reward for his hard work," writes Lauren O'Hara. Eh? Hard what? "Up til then Cech had been having a helluva of a game, even though he is looking like an extra from Star Trek." Meanwhile Chris Bond adds: "Avram came bounding down from the bench (31ish mins)? He looks like an 80s horror movie zombie! He's clearly one of those 28 Days Later-style fast-moving ones." Right, that's it. Any more film references will be studiously ignored, because I probably won't understand them.
And we're off again! Yes we are, you can be sure of that.
48 min: United stroke it around for a couple of minutes, then Scholes gets bored and fizzes the ball at Brown's head, presumably for sport. "Dean's car has triangular wheels you say?" chirps Alan Howarth, setting himself up for a zinger. "Perhaps if he replaced them with the ones that have fallen off the Chelsea bandwagon, it would enable a speedier getaway."
50 min: Rooney pops his knee into the eye of Makelele. Ah such a satisfying word to type at speed. Makelele. Makelele. Makelele. Makelele. Look, there's nothing else to describe at the moment.
51 min: Makelele is fine.
53 min: United are simply stroking the ball around with extreme patience. They're not really going anywhere with it, and neither do they care. There's going to be a lot of this, I fear.
55 min: I've just noticed Carrick is on the pitch. That's some going. He spreads the ball out left to Ronaldo, who hot-shoe shuffles for a while, then falls over his own feet. "That's not Larry David," writes Joe O'Neill. "That's Richard Dreyfus."
56 min: Makelele is penalised for nothing, 20 yards out. It's a free kick. Tevez stands over the ball and, perhaps minding that some fans and viewers will be missing the stylings of the injured Frank Lampard, hoofs the ball witlessly about six miles over the bar.
58 min: Nearly so brilliant from United. Carrick, suddenly all over the place, lifts a long diagonal ball towards Giggs on the left, who attempts to crash a volley home from a ridiculous angle - but it flies over the bar. Nice try though. Meanwhile Shevchenko is replaced by Salomon Kalou.
60 min: Rooney is booked for what appears to be sod all, as Ashley Cole takes a tumble alongside him, though replays suggest he has a little kick out at the prone Chelsea full-back as he slides along the wet turf. (It's raining. I didn't bother to tell you, but come on, you know where this game's being played.)
63 min: Some good stuff from United, as Giggs, Tevez and Rooney ping it around in the Chelsea box to each other. It's wonderful one-touch stuff, but they can't work an opening and eventually Makelele clears. Lauren O'Hara has taken umbrage at my suggestion during Football '07 with Barry Norman that Tevez doesn't always necessarily pelt around at full capacity: "When your legs are as short as his are, everything is hard work."
66 min: The game is beginning to open up here. No great chances as of yet, but hopefully they'll come. I'd just like something interesting to happen, is that so wrong?
68 min: Shaun Wright Phillips comes on for Malouda, who has done less than nothing today. "Isn't it worth pointing out the deliciousness of Grant's first sub being Shevchenko?" asks Eric Calhoun. Probably. "And would Roman have shrugged and applauded so if Jose had just made that move?"
70 min: A load of pompous whistling and booing from the home fans as Chelsea refuse to give the ball back after Ferdinand puts the ball out of play for a team-mate's nothing "injury". Minutes later, Rooney stands on Ashley Cole's foot as the Chelsea man goes to clear. It's a free kick - but could well have been a second yellow. Dean's shocker continues apace. There's a sour edge to this game now.
73 min: Ronaldo flies down the wing at 746mph, first on his feet, then on his face as Joe Cole scythes him down with a filthy trip-cum-stomp. It was more of a red than the Mikel incident - but Cole only sees yellow. Dean is useless. "That was a fucking red card," a hot-faced Alex Ferguson clearly screams from behind the controls of the funk mothership he's sailing into the heart of the sun.
76 min: Pizarro comes on for Joe Cole, who looks to be suffering from funky heat himself.
78 min: What a waste by Tevez, who is clear down the left and has Rooney waiting in the centre to head home. His cross is a pathetic shank into the stands. And that's his last touch of the ball today, as he trudges off to be replaced by Louis Saha.
80 min: Brown is booked for... er... oh there's no point trying to wing it, I wasn't watching.
82 min: SWP tears down the centre of the pitch, which has a population of 0, and attempts to thread a ball through to Kalou. It's intercepted; why he didn't take it on himself and have a dig is beyond me.
83 min: Terry is booked for a wooden lunge on Rooney. There's the sense that was payback for Rooney's challenge on Ashley Cole; this game has become tediously spiteful. Best league in the world!
84 min: United want to watch out here, though: Chelsea haven't done too much up front, but suddenly there's a chance as Pizarro twists and turns a disoriented Brown over and again, making room for a low shot. It's dragged wide.
85 min: Brown is still standing in the same spot, looking confused.
88 min: Actually, United don't need to watch out at all. This has all the hallmarks of being totally over.
88 min and a bit: PENALTY TO UNITED! Ben Haim sticks a leg out as Saha tries to jink past him. There's no contact but Saha dives disgracefully over Ben Haim's foot and the clown who has made 475 ridiculous decisions during the course of this match makes the 476th, and points to the spot.
89 min: GOAL! Manchester United 2 - 0 Chelsea. Saha hammers the ball down the centre of the goal. Cech's dived off to his right, so that's that.
FULL TIME: Manchester United 2 - 0 Chelsea. Saha and Rooney both take outrageous attempts to beat Cech from outside the area. Neither of them go particularly close. No matter though: surprisingly showcasing the level of wit and intelligence required to cram a whistle into one's maw and breathe out, referee Mike Dean brings proceedings to an end. That's one of the worst displays of refereeing I've seen since that other clown whose name momentarily escapes me gave Chelsea a penalty at Anfield earlier this season. Swings and roundabouts, perhaps, though let's face it, nobody really believes that nonsense, do they.
It's a long article too, so I hope you've honed your attention span for it.
_________________________________________________
Premier League: the Jose Mourinho memorial minute-by-minute
Manchester United 2 - 0 Chelsea
Tevez 45, Saha 89
Scott Murray
Sunday September 23, 2007
Guardian Unlimited
The new face of Chelsea FC: Peter Kenyon sweating cobs, club chairman Mr Larry David, and Avram the Affectionate Lapdog ("Oh yehyehyehyehyeh")
A tragicomic farce of Heart of Midlothian proportions. That's what we've got on our hands here. Yep. Anyway, the first act in what promises to be a spectacular implosion begins today at 4pm; hold my hand tightly and together we can take our first tentative steps across this barren post-Mourinho wasteland.
Despotic owner named Roman sacks perfectly capable manager; within two years team is shipping last-minute winners at rock-bottom Caley Thistle. You see where I'm heading with this. "Yes, the similarity between Chelsea and the Jam Tarts is astonishing," writes Chris McMillan. "Except for the £500m, the squad of superstars, the league medals and the European runs." Ah, give it a few months.
Manchester United: Van der Sar, Brown, Ferdinand, Vidic, Evra, Ronaldo, Scholes, Carrick, Giggs, Tevez, Rooney.
Subs: Kuszczak, Saha, Nani, Pique, O'Shea.
Avram the Affectionate Lapdog's first-choice Chelsea team: Abramovich, Kenyon, Buck, Tenenbaum, Zahavi.
Also: Cech, Ferreira, Ben-Haim, Terry, Ashley Cole, Makelele, Essien, Obi, Joe Cole, Shevchenko, Malouda.
Subs: Cudicini, Pizarro, Kalou, Wright-Phillips, Alex.
Cards, whistles, smell my funny flower, etc: Mike Dean (Wirral).
This is going to be great, this. That's what Phil James reckons, and I'm too weak to contradict him. "I predict an excellent match, with all Chelsea 'players attempting to attract attention from overseas. Manchester United to win 4-2."
This is more like it: "This has the potential to be the dullest Big Four clash in history, and that's saying something," shouts Archi Campbell over a torrent of running hot water, between mouthfuls of Tesco Value Gin. "It might even end up with a negative amount of goals." Archi, you're talking my language.
Minute-by-minute Commentator Exposed As Chancer, Just In Case By Some Outside Chance You Hadn't Worked That Out Way Back dept: "Is Steve Clarke technically in charge today due to Avram's lack of qualifications?" asks Richard Finch, knowing full well I have no idea whatsoever. "If so, it's worth mentioning that Clarke took charge of a Newcastle United game after Ruud Gullit resigned. The opponents that day were Manchester United at Old Trafford - and the score was 5-1." This is the sort of thing I should have been telling you, really, isn't it.
Look at what's going on over there: It's Scotland Youth v New Zealand in the Rugby World Cup, with cricket's Lawrence Booth. Gotta love Guardian Unlimited Sport!
And we're off! It's quite noisy at Old Trafford - and it gets even noisier as Giggs and Rooney combine well down the left to force a United corner within 29 seconds. Giggs whips it in, Cech falls over and Scholes so nearly gets his head on it. It's scrambled clear, but a tasty start by the home side.
2 min: What a save from Cech! Rooney storms down the left, cuts inside and, 20 yards out, curls the ball towards the top right corner. It's a fantastic attempt, and in all the way, but Cech tips it over the bar with the very tips of his fingers. Amazing football all round; let's hope it keeps up like this.
4 min: Rio Ferdinand falls over clutching his groin. A lovely image for you, yes it is.
6 min: Chelsea just haven't a clue, although here I'm specifically talking about the team. They can't get hold of the ball at all: Ronaldo jinks and jives down the right and nearly nips it on to Tevez in the area. Again, it's scrambled away. "Why are you not covering the big game today?" asks Mitch Low, a regular contributor to these reports who, if memory serves, is an offshore surveyor on the North Sea and a perennially workshy one at that. "I'm talking about the powder-keg fixture that is Rangers-Aberdeen!" Fair point well made, but instead of cracking the funnies, shouldn't you be buffing the drill pipe of an oil rig, or something?
8 min: Chelsea suddenly get their chops up. First Essien fizzes a wonderful cross in from the right, across the face of United's goal between keeper and back line. Anyone rushing in would have scored; no-one rushed in; no-one scored. Seconds later, Shevchenko picks up the ball on the left and smacks in a rising drive which only just sails high and right of the desperate Van der Sar. The Old Trafford crowd are being terribly beastly about poor Mr Mourinho, using words that start in eff and cee.
12 min: A lull after a whirlwind start. "Despotic Russian oligarchs? Great opponent of tyranny falls on his sword after 'betrayal' by first lieutenant? Why, that's the sort of gripping tale you'll find in 101 World Heroes by Simon Sebag-Montefiore and Dan Jones," writes Dan Jones, "out on October 4th in all good bookshops and available to pre-order here." It's just as well I have no idea who the hell you are, Jonesy, otherwise this could look very cheap indeed.
14 min: Shevchenko nearly steals clear down the right but clumsily leaves the ball behind him when a one-on-one with Van der Sar was on the cards. "The people who criticise Avram Grant should be ashamed of themselves," chides Tommer Spence. "Just look at his Toto Cup victories in 1990 AND 1991! He has the potential to be a greater manager than Jose Mourinho ever was - just let's see how he turns out tonight."
16 min: United claim for a penalty, and I think they may have had a point. Evra gets the better of Joe Cole down the left and races ahead into the box. Cole slides in and doesn't quite get the ball - and Evra goes down. Only thing is, Evra was losing control and possibly on the way down a split second before the challenge came in anyway. I'm trying to see both sides here, and have ended up saying nothing. Let's move onwards and upwards.
END OF PART ONE: "I'm American," writes Eric Calhoun, "and thus new at this, but I thought there weren't supposed to be commercial breaks in soccerball."
20 min: Rooney forces one corner by, erm, then another as Terry deflects his low shot from outside the box. The second corner is useless but United are beginning to turn the screw again, albeit quite slowly and lightly, using a cheap plastic tool you get in a cracker.
22 min: Chelsea were four on two in the United box there, but Ferreira's cross from the right wing is godawful.
24 min: Now it's United's turn to cock a promising situation up bigstyle, as Rooney and Tevez faff around when two-on-one with Terry. They both cut inside rather than spreading the play, and so their attempt at a one-two ends up being deflected away from the danger zone.
26 min: Tevez shouts for a penalty after the ball brushes Ashley Cole's grasping little hand, but no dice. He immediately takes a snapshot which is deflected away for a corner. The corner, fans of surprises, is useless.
28 min: Tevez has another thrash at the ball from 20 yards out on the right, but while it's on target, it's easily saved by Cech.
30 min: Essien cocks around in his own box and is robbed by Rooney, who stands up a cross towards the left post that Giggs should have headed into the net, but tries to sidefoot home instead. It files way over.
31 min: Chelsea win a corn... can't even be bothered to finish that, you know how it all ends up.
31 min and a bit: RED CARD! John Obi Mikel, who played 0 times for Manchester United during his Old Trafford career, goes in a bit late on Evra. His feet are up, yes, but it doesn't look that dangerous. Not that referee Dean cares - that's a straight red and off. That's not a good decision; a yellow would have sufficed there. Avram immediately comes bounding down to the touchline from the dugout; maybe Roman's thrown a stick onto the pitch.
35 min: United win their 463rd corner of the match so far. From it, you know full well etc. Chelsea are, to every last one of their ten man, running around looking totally radged off. "Would it encourage a Tevez goal if I said he seems to be looking like an expensive waste of space?" asks Paul Wilson. Yeah, maybe. I'll try anything. Apart from Rooney's early spectacular shot and Cech's equally fancy save, there's been a lot of high-tempo bluster but precious little to love.
38 min: That's a bit better. Giggs swings a deep free kick into the box. Vidic, standing on the spot, gets his head onto it and powers the ball goalwards; Cech is positioned well, though and catches cleanly.
41 min: Chelsea have a wee rampage up the pitch involving Essien and Joe Cole, but it peters out pointlessly. "Harsh decision with Mikel there," opines Jon Yeats, "but John Terry was trying to pinch the red card out of the ref's hand. Why? What would he have done next if he'd have gotten hold of it? Ran around the pitch playing 'keep away'? They're a jolly likeable bunch, aren't they?"
44 min: So nearly a lovely move there from Chelsea, as the two Coles combine down the left with some smooth, precision passing. Cole swings in a deep cross with nearly finds the head of Shevchenko, who appears to be trying for the first time since April 2006.
47 min 30 secs: GOAL! Manchester United 1 - 0 Chelsea. It's Tevez's first goal for United, as he flicks in a header from close range, getting onto the end of a majestic cross from Giggs, who flicks it across the face of goal from the right with an insouciant brush of the outside of his boot. A brilliant goal - but once again Chelsea are livid. There should only have been two added minutes - but the goal came a good thirty seconds later with play still, for some unknown reason, continuing. Referee Dean is having a shocker here, but congratulations to Paul Wilson (35 min) who has tempted fate in quite spectacular fashion.
HALF TIME: Manchester United 1 - 0 Chelsea. Dean, who probably should have awarded United a penalty, and definitely shouldn't have sent off Mikel, parps on his whistle way too late for Chelsea's liking, then drives off in a car with triangular wheels.
Football '07 with Barry Norman: "It's about time Tevez got reward for his hard work," writes Lauren O'Hara. Eh? Hard what? "Up til then Cech had been having a helluva of a game, even though he is looking like an extra from Star Trek." Meanwhile Chris Bond adds: "Avram came bounding down from the bench (31ish mins)? He looks like an 80s horror movie zombie! He's clearly one of those 28 Days Later-style fast-moving ones." Right, that's it. Any more film references will be studiously ignored, because I probably won't understand them.
And we're off again! Yes we are, you can be sure of that.
48 min: United stroke it around for a couple of minutes, then Scholes gets bored and fizzes the ball at Brown's head, presumably for sport. "Dean's car has triangular wheels you say?" chirps Alan Howarth, setting himself up for a zinger. "Perhaps if he replaced them with the ones that have fallen off the Chelsea bandwagon, it would enable a speedier getaway."
50 min: Rooney pops his knee into the eye of Makelele. Ah such a satisfying word to type at speed. Makelele. Makelele. Makelele. Makelele. Look, there's nothing else to describe at the moment.
51 min: Makelele is fine.
53 min: United are simply stroking the ball around with extreme patience. They're not really going anywhere with it, and neither do they care. There's going to be a lot of this, I fear.
55 min: I've just noticed Carrick is on the pitch. That's some going. He spreads the ball out left to Ronaldo, who hot-shoe shuffles for a while, then falls over his own feet. "That's not Larry David," writes Joe O'Neill. "That's Richard Dreyfus."
56 min: Makelele is penalised for nothing, 20 yards out. It's a free kick. Tevez stands over the ball and, perhaps minding that some fans and viewers will be missing the stylings of the injured Frank Lampard, hoofs the ball witlessly about six miles over the bar.
58 min: Nearly so brilliant from United. Carrick, suddenly all over the place, lifts a long diagonal ball towards Giggs on the left, who attempts to crash a volley home from a ridiculous angle - but it flies over the bar. Nice try though. Meanwhile Shevchenko is replaced by Salomon Kalou.
60 min: Rooney is booked for what appears to be sod all, as Ashley Cole takes a tumble alongside him, though replays suggest he has a little kick out at the prone Chelsea full-back as he slides along the wet turf. (It's raining. I didn't bother to tell you, but come on, you know where this game's being played.)
63 min: Some good stuff from United, as Giggs, Tevez and Rooney ping it around in the Chelsea box to each other. It's wonderful one-touch stuff, but they can't work an opening and eventually Makelele clears. Lauren O'Hara has taken umbrage at my suggestion during Football '07 with Barry Norman that Tevez doesn't always necessarily pelt around at full capacity: "When your legs are as short as his are, everything is hard work."
66 min: The game is beginning to open up here. No great chances as of yet, but hopefully they'll come. I'd just like something interesting to happen, is that so wrong?
68 min: Shaun Wright Phillips comes on for Malouda, who has done less than nothing today. "Isn't it worth pointing out the deliciousness of Grant's first sub being Shevchenko?" asks Eric Calhoun. Probably. "And would Roman have shrugged and applauded so if Jose had just made that move?"
70 min: A load of pompous whistling and booing from the home fans as Chelsea refuse to give the ball back after Ferdinand puts the ball out of play for a team-mate's nothing "injury". Minutes later, Rooney stands on Ashley Cole's foot as the Chelsea man goes to clear. It's a free kick - but could well have been a second yellow. Dean's shocker continues apace. There's a sour edge to this game now.
73 min: Ronaldo flies down the wing at 746mph, first on his feet, then on his face as Joe Cole scythes him down with a filthy trip-cum-stomp. It was more of a red than the Mikel incident - but Cole only sees yellow. Dean is useless. "That was a fucking red card," a hot-faced Alex Ferguson clearly screams from behind the controls of the funk mothership he's sailing into the heart of the sun.
76 min: Pizarro comes on for Joe Cole, who looks to be suffering from funky heat himself.
78 min: What a waste by Tevez, who is clear down the left and has Rooney waiting in the centre to head home. His cross is a pathetic shank into the stands. And that's his last touch of the ball today, as he trudges off to be replaced by Louis Saha.
80 min: Brown is booked for... er... oh there's no point trying to wing it, I wasn't watching.
82 min: SWP tears down the centre of the pitch, which has a population of 0, and attempts to thread a ball through to Kalou. It's intercepted; why he didn't take it on himself and have a dig is beyond me.
83 min: Terry is booked for a wooden lunge on Rooney. There's the sense that was payback for Rooney's challenge on Ashley Cole; this game has become tediously spiteful. Best league in the world!
84 min: United want to watch out here, though: Chelsea haven't done too much up front, but suddenly there's a chance as Pizarro twists and turns a disoriented Brown over and again, making room for a low shot. It's dragged wide.
85 min: Brown is still standing in the same spot, looking confused.
88 min: Actually, United don't need to watch out at all. This has all the hallmarks of being totally over.
88 min and a bit: PENALTY TO UNITED! Ben Haim sticks a leg out as Saha tries to jink past him. There's no contact but Saha dives disgracefully over Ben Haim's foot and the clown who has made 475 ridiculous decisions during the course of this match makes the 476th, and points to the spot.
89 min: GOAL! Manchester United 2 - 0 Chelsea. Saha hammers the ball down the centre of the goal. Cech's dived off to his right, so that's that.
FULL TIME: Manchester United 2 - 0 Chelsea. Saha and Rooney both take outrageous attempts to beat Cech from outside the area. Neither of them go particularly close. No matter though: surprisingly showcasing the level of wit and intelligence required to cram a whistle into one's maw and breathe out, referee Mike Dean brings proceedings to an end. That's one of the worst displays of refereeing I've seen since that other clown whose name momentarily escapes me gave Chelsea a penalty at Anfield earlier this season. Swings and roundabouts, perhaps, though let's face it, nobody really believes that nonsense, do they.