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Post by rewdie on Jun 15, 2006 23:10:25 GMT
LMAO the court exchangers....i have tears, well good
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Post by moxdevil on Jun 15, 2006 23:20:15 GMT
A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do the job!"
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master.
The water was churning and splashing in the struggle.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief.
The host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"I don't want it," said Leroy, panting.
The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something, you won the bet!"
So Leroy replied, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white motherfuckers it was that pushed me in the pool."
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A woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends £5000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the sales assistant, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29." the woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now, she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a chemist on her way down the street, goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but, thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay,... how old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 47."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" He replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."
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Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin 'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!!!!!
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A rabbi and a priest are involved in a bad car crash. Their vehicles are totalled but both clergymen are uninjured. After they crawl from their wrecked cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar.
“So,” says the rabbi, “you’re a priest. I am a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Both are wrecked completely and yet we stand here unscathed. God must have intended for us to meet and become great friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
“I agree with you totally,” says the priest. “This must be a sign from god. You will be my greatest friend for as long as we both may live.”
“Look at this,” the rabbi continues. “Here is another miracle already. Look here in the back. A bottle of Mogen David wine, unbroken. Surely god wants us to seal our friendship with a drink.” with this, he pops the cork, and hands the bottle to the priest, who takes several swigs before passing it back. But the rabbi says, “no no my friend have another drink.” The priest enquires, “Aren’t you having any?”
“No,” replies the rabbi. “I think I’ll just sit here and wait for the police.”
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One day the zoo keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Surprised, the zoo keeper asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
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A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."
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Post by rewdie on Jun 17, 2006 11:22:26 GMT
lmao, well good, especially the one with th eguy getting frisky haha thatll teach the horny buggar!
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Post by moxdevil on Jun 26, 2006 16:26:16 GMT
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she Belonged to someone else...
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..
The girl said, " NO."
Johnny said, " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, You bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story.
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, then pick up the money Very fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour went by and the boyfriend was waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend called and asked what happened......
She said, "The bastard used quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
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Post by moxdevil on Jun 29, 2006 14:23:17 GMT
An old one-
David Beckham runs in early from training one afternoon and dashes to the bedroom to find Posh spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
Becks asks her suspiciously "What are you doing?"
Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"
"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance".
He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialling 999.
However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.
"What's the matter,son?" asks Becks.
"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn.
Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there,starkers.
"You bastard Giggsy" screams Becks. "My wife is right over there having a heart attack,and you're running around naked scaring the shit out of Brooklyn."
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A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and she kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and she responded by petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then she pulled down his briefs, got down on her knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
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A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost".
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Post by redom on Jul 4, 2006 17:05:02 GMT
 some great ones there ppl #thumb# |
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Post by redom on Jul 4, 2006 18:38:45 GMT
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
Little Billy was sitting on the park bench munching one chocolate bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat"
Little Billy replied "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man " Did your granfather eat 6 chocolate bars at a time?"
"No" replied Billy "He minded his own fucking business!!!"
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Post by stonecarver on Jul 13, 2006 14:03:14 GMT
Larry Laprise, ( or a similar sounding name) the man who wrote the Hokeykokey died earlier this week. The preparations for his funeral were going well until they tried to put him in the coffin. They put his left leg in...and thats when the trouble started.! Terrible, I know....  |
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Post by moxdevil on Jul 28, 2006 22:35:37 GMT
Dr Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of
his patients and you won't be the last. Plus you're single."
"So just let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"Dave, you're a veterinarian."
;D
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Post by 7even on Jul 28, 2006 22:38:31 GMT
Lol, that put a smile on my face.
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Post by keano16 on Jul 29, 2006 7:32:08 GMT
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they emphasized his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel. "Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."
The man is extremely furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple."
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Post by moxdevil on Aug 1, 2006 13:37:47 GMT
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
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Post by 7even on Aug 1, 2006 14:43:32 GMT
Lol, ha ha! Ew.
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Post by moxdevil on Aug 11, 2006 12:04:16 GMT
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.
The husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"
The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
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Two guys pull into a gas station that has a sign that reads "chance of winning free sex with every fill up". They fill up and walk over to the station attendant who politely informs them that they unfortunately didn't win free sex this time. While driving away, one guy says to the other, "i bet the free sex is a scam", the other guy replies "it isn't, my wife won twice last week".
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Post by moxdevil on Aug 13, 2006 17:36:05 GMT
Three blondes walk into a bar with a picture made from a kids jigsaw puzzle, drop it down on a table and ask the bartender for 10 beers... informing him that the rest of their group will be in shortly. Each grabs a beer and cheers, saying "2 months, it only took us 2 months." Five more blondes join them at the table, each grabbing a beer, and cheering "2 months, it only took us 2 months." Finally, the last two blondes walk in, completing the ten, all drinking and cheering "2 months, it only took us 2 months." The bartender curiously asks what the occasion is. One of the blondes answers, "All these years, everyone has said blondes are dumb and we finally proved them wrong. See this puzzle? On the box it said up to 7 years... it only took the ten of us 2 months to do!"
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A man had just gotten a medical exam and the doctor gave him some suppositories. The doctor told the man that he would help him with the first insertion.
Later that night, the man needed another one inserted, so he asked his wife to help him with it. His wife placed her hand on his shoulder and started to insert it.
"DAMN!!" the man said.
"What did I hurt you?" his wife asked.
"No," he said, "I just realized the doctor had both hands on my shoulders."
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