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Post by redom on Sept 3, 2006 17:54:03 GMT
 I loved that cave one mox. ------------------------------------------------------- A bum walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick so the bartender gives him a toothpick. Another bum walks into the same bar and asks for a toothpick to so the bartender gives him a toothpick. A third bum goes into that same bar and asks for a straw so the bartender gives him a straw and asks " Why don't you want a toothpick like all the other bums?" The bums says " Well.. a guy puked out in the ally and the other bums got all of the good stuff." ---------------------------------------------------------------- A Guy walked into a bar dressed in the latest designer gear, dripping with diamonds and platinum and googobs of money. His only visible problem was that he had a very little head. After a few drinks I had the courage to ask him what happened. His story is that he was on vacation with his wife in the Bahamas and they had a humiliating argument. To cool down he took a walk on the beach. while picking up rocks to throw in the ocean he happened upon an intricately blown and embroidered bottle. Picking it up to brush off the sand, a genie popped out. Not your ordinary genie but an extremely beautiful genie the likes of which he had never seen. She granted him three wishes and he thought long and hard. His first wish was for a billion dollars in cash, which materialized instsntly. Realizing that he had no way to move this much money, his second wish was for a fueled and piloted jet that would take him everywhere he desired. That satisfied his every wish and he looked at the beautiful genie and propositioned her for a roll in the sand. The genie said that she would love to, but she is a genie and not anatomically made like mortal women, she has no coochie. The man then said "Then how about a little head". -------------------------------------------- Questions: 1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I? 2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I? 3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I? 4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I? 5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I? 6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I? 7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I? 8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I? 9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I? 10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I? Answers: 1. a dentist 2. a wedding ring 3. peanut butter 4.chewing gum 5. an elevator 6. a nose 7. a newspaper boy 8. a glove 9. a crane 10. a toothbrush, of course!
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Post by moxdevil on Sept 4, 2006 11:37:32 GMT
A bum walks into a bar and asks for a toothpick so the bartender gives him a toothpick. Another bum walks into the same bar and asks for a toothpick to so the bartender gives him a toothpick. A third bum goes into that same bar and asks for a straw so the bartender gives him a straw and asks " Why don't you want a toothpick like all the other bums?" The bums says " Well.. a guy puked out in the ally and the other bums got all of the good stuff." quality. i'm going to use that in a restaurant. |
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Post by 7even on Sept 7, 2006 0:31:21 GMT
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and shes a better lover than you are.
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
I want the house, he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, I want the car, too, but she just drives faster and faster.
By now shes up to ninety mph. All right, he says, I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, Isnt there anything you want?
The wife says, No, Ive got everything I need.
Oh, really, he says, so what have you got?
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, the airbag.
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Post by missunited on Sept 7, 2006 4:32:21 GMT
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Post by Red Yank on Sept 7, 2006 17:32:26 GMT
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce. The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph. He then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and shes a better lover than you are. Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. I want the house, he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, I want the car, too, but she just drives faster and faster. By now shes up to ninety mph. All right, he says, I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too. The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, Isnt there anything you want? The wife says, No, Ive got everything I need. Oh, really, he says, so what have you got? Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, the airbag. not to spoil the joke, but at 100 mph she'd going to need more than an air bag to make it out of that...LOL |
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Post by 7even on Sept 9, 2006 0:47:44 GMT
Mary had just got married and, being a traditional Scottish bride, (work with me here!!) she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, they were staying at her mother's house, and she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Mary, Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be here making the mince."
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tam took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mum, Mum, Tam's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Mary," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tam took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. "Mum, Mum, Tam took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tam took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Mary saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mum, Mum, Tam's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here lass and stir this mince."
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This shy couple have a hard time approaching each other for sex and so devise a way. When one wants to have sex they ask the other if they'd like to 'do the laundry'.
Well, one night the husband is feeling a bit frisky and so asks his wife if she'd like to 'do the laundry'. She apologizes and says she's not feeling well.
The next morning she feels bad, as she knows how hard it was for him to come to her, and as she's feeling better she asks him if he'd like to 'do the laundry' now.
He says, 'No, it's okay. It was a small load so I did it by hand..'
Ba dum cha!
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Post by Busby Boy on Sept 9, 2006 2:07:16 GMT
That "Foot and a half" one was funny. How about this for a joke. A man walks into a bar..... OUCH! |
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Post by moxdevil on Oct 1, 2006 12:46:46 GMT
Things that make blokes proud of themselves (and rightly so...) :
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
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Post by moxdevil on Oct 3, 2006 18:53:24 GMT
As you know the people of East London have been successful in their bid to host the 2012 Olympics.
However, there has been a request that some of the events and traditions are modified in order to give the locals a greater chance of winning medals.
The International Olympic Committee is therefore being asked to consider establishing the Olympic Village in Barking.
Showers will be in full working order as soon as the copper piping is brought back, but arrangements have been made if necessary, to use Dagenham Common Lake.
The use of drugs will be closely monitored. A spokesperson said that drugs would be available only from the local Community Centre. Asked about urine samples, the spokesperson said that no one takes the piss out of the local lads and offered to take the researcher outside.
The Olympic Flame will also be slightly different. The lighting ceremony will go ahead in the time-honoured tradition of torching a Ford Escort XR3i
Proposals have been put forward concerning rule changes in the following events: -
1. The 100-metre sprint: - Athletes must complete the course in Barking High street with a video recorder under one arm and a microwave under the other. After 20 metres a Police Dog will be released in each lane.
2. Fencing: - The protective mesh face will be removed and replaced with a black ski mask according to local custom. Athletes will then be asked to dispose of a selection of antiques, electrical goods, watches, mountain bikes and car radios in the shortest possible time.
3. Boxing: - This event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and the finals will be held in the community centre on Saturday night. The husband must down at least 12 pints in the Engineer Arms before encountering his wife, where she will announce one of the following: -
(a) There's fark all for your tea.
(b) The telly's been repossessed.
(c) Our Tracey's up the stick.
(d) I'm up the stick.
(e) The woman up the road is up the stick and she says it's yours.
4. Triple Jump: - This will revert to its old name of Hop, Skip and Jump and will be sponsored by H.M. Prison Service. Medals will be awarded to competitors who find the most ingenious way of jumping bail.
5. Tug of War: - Chains will be fixed to one of the cash point machines at the BP in Lower Dagenham and the winning team will be the ones who can haul it out the quickest.
6. Equestrian Event: - Horses, ponies, donkeys and assorted nags can be collected from the fields behind Upton Park and medals will be awarded for tethering them in the most unusual places.
7. Shot Putt: - House bricks will be thrown from various distances at suitable plate glass windows, especially the chemists, the newsagents or at any vehicles in the hospital car park.
8. Walking: - Athletes must be accompanied by a Pit Bull Terrier, Doberman, German shepherd or Whippet. Ferrets and pushchairs do not count.
9. Cycling: - The Committee are unanimous in their ruling that tandems are for poofs, but most cycles will accommodate two as long as they have stunt pegs, no brakes or lights and are ridden on public footpaths. They must be mountain bikes and they must have spent at least a week in the River Thames.
The Committee is confident that sufficient funds can be found to stage such a major international event and looks forward to the true spirit of the Games flourishing in this little part of London.
They urge the I.O.C. to consider this application in the light of that tried and tested local saying: -
It's not the taking part that counts; IT'S THE TAKING APART!!
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Post by stonecarver on Oct 4, 2006 9:50:00 GMT
Things that make blokes proud of themselves (and rightly so...) : 1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks! 5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard. 7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah". 9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness,sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ******. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue,apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the Plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale.Aaaah. 22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?" Fuckin' superb ! ;D |
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Post by stonecarver on Oct 4, 2006 9:53:01 GMT
Why dont gypsies wear condoms........
..........they got crystal balls. You can see 'um comin' !
Deffinition of an organ grinder.....
...........Sand in your durex !
What do ya call a china man who can suck his own cock.........
.....Foo Kin Clever !
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Post by stonecarver on Oct 4, 2006 9:56:46 GMT
What time does Michael Jackson go to bed....?
............When the little hand touches the big hand.!
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Post by redom on Oct 4, 2006 14:57:27 GMT
Deffinition of an organ grinder..... ...........Sand in your durex !  That's just plain wrong ...so very true 1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine. 2) At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying. 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle get synchronised with that of a complete stranger. 4) You've never quite sure whether its OK to eat green crisps. 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator. 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible. 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 8) You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden. 9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic toy figurines assume intercourse positions is almost impossible to resist. 10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl. 11) You never know where to look when eating an apple. 12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat. 13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly. 14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a flat ball. 15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses. 16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school. 17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to accidentally call your teacher mum or dad. 18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity. 19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches. 20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush. 21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong. 22) Its impossible to look cool while picking up a frisbee. 23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited. 24) You never ever run out of salt. 25) Elderly ladies can eat more than you think. 26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog. 27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you you've got your hand or head stuck in something. 28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers. 29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has had their arm (or neck) broken by a swan. 30) The most painful common household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug. 31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard. 32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood to specifically stir paint with. 33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose. 34) Bricks are horrible to carry. 35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip. 36) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones. 37) Beneath every floating balloon is a tearful child. |
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Post by redom on Oct 4, 2006 15:12:49 GMT
A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. "Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet; when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in the bowl." "Uh-huh." "That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!" The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. You're simply going through your change." ------------------------------------------- When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on building a new hospital in Washington County... - The Allergists voted to scratch it.
- The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
- The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it but the Neurologist thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
- The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled,"Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
- The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!
- The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeon said, "That puts a whole new face on the matter!"
- The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
- The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
- And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole who didn't give a crap!
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Post by redom on Oct 4, 2006 15:29:16 GMT
Something to offend everyone ;D
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
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What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
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What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
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Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
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What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
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Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
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What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
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What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
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What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
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What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
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Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
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Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
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What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
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What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
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Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
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What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
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What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
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Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
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Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
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Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
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Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
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Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
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Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
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What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
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What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
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What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit....
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Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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