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Post by stonecarver on Oct 5, 2006 13:59:45 GMT
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.  #thumb# |
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nacchi
United School Boy
C'mon we can beat'em this season as well
Posts: 24
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Post by nacchi on Oct 15, 2006 8:09:58 GMT
why is 9 afraid of 7 ? cuz 789 -------------------- this is wat really happened to me when i was a pixie i just met cydney that day and we went luch together after lauch, i said: so wat's your name again, Cydney?   |
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Post by moxdevil on Oct 16, 2006 13:12:16 GMT
One for the ladies-
Men Are Like
Blenders ~ you know you need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Babies ~ cute at first but you soon get tired of cleaning up after them.
Coffee ~ the best types are rich and warm and can keep you going all night.
Colds ~ you can never get rid of a bad one in a hurry.
Copiers ~ you need them for reproduction...but that's about it.
Dawn ~ full of promise, but usually turn out to be the same old routine.
Diamonds ~ in their natural state they are rough and ugly. If you want them polished you have to do it yourself.
Fish ~ they get themselves into trouble because they can't keep their mouths shut.
Horoscopes ~ they tell you what to do ~ and are usually wrong.
Lava lamps ~ fun to watch but not all that bright.
Mascara ~ difficult to handle...and runs at the first sign of emotion.
Mini skirts ~ if you're not careful they will creep up your legs.
Place mats ~ they only show up when food's on the table.
Remote controls ~ simple and easy to use, and usually found lying near the tv.
Soap operas ~ fun to watch but you can't believe a word you hear.
Spray paint ~ one squeeze and they are all over you.
TVs ~ you can turn them on instantly.
Vacuum cleaners ~ not much fun, but at least you can push them around.
Wine ~ made by stamping the raw material and keeping it in the dark until it matures.
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Post by 7even on Oct 17, 2006 1:16:56 GMT
^ ! |
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Post by Carlito's Way on Oct 20, 2006 14:35:18 GMT
A man phones his wife from work one day to tell her he'll be working late. An unknown voice answers the phone. The man asks, "Who is this?". The woman on the other end of the phone says, "It's the housekeeper."
The man says, "But we don't have a housekeeper."
The woman replies, "I was hired this morning."
He says, "Oh, okay, where's my wife?"
Th housekeeper replies, "She's upstairs with a man I assumed was her husband."
The man goes berserk and says, "Listen, how'd you like to make $50,000? All you have to do is go upstairs and shoot them both."
The housekeeper puts down the phone and a few moments later the man hears 2 gunshots and the woman comes back to the phone and says, "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Dump them in the swimming pool."
"But there is no swimming pool."
"Um...is this 744 5624?
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Post by missunited on Oct 27, 2006 12:44:50 GMT
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are *ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE* to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning
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Post by moxdevil on Nov 2, 2006 13:35:33 GMT
A train hits a bus load of catholic school girls and they all perish. They find themselves in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter. St Peter asks the first girl, "Rebecca, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Meg have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says "Amy! What seems to be the rush?"? The girl replies "If I have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jenny sticks her arse in it"
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Post by moxdevil on Nov 2, 2006 14:38:31 GMT
An Englishman, a Scott and an Irishman walk into a sleazy bar. There are drunks passed out on the floor and flies buzzing around but they all three belly-up to the bar. Each of them orders a pint of "the black stuff" and, as chance would have it, a fly lands in each of their beers.
The Englishman pushes his pint away and tells the barkeep to bring him another.
The Scott doesn't even notice the fly and drinks it down with his stout.
The Irishman deftly grabs his fly by the wings and holds it over his beer yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard!!"
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Post by Vidic's Bitch ! on Nov 2, 2006 15:08:59 GMT
i am deeply offended ;)and an englishman pushing away a pint |
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Post by moxdevil on Nov 7, 2006 22:30:35 GMT
United's Carling Cup displays of 2006-7. |
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Post by redom on Nov 7, 2006 22:36:38 GMT
United's Carling Cup displays of 2006-7. It would be funny if I wasn't so worried about how shite we were. I'll laugh tomorrow |
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Post by moxdevil on Nov 13, 2006 18:11:20 GMT
A joke i saw today-
A man marries a deaf girl, he says facing her 'we need to come up with some kind of code:
If i want sex i'll express this to you by stroking your left breast, then you reply by pulling my penis once for yes or 150 times for no.'
;D
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Post by Red Yank on Nov 13, 2006 20:00:23 GMT
A joke i saw today- A man marries a deaf girl, he says facing her 'we need to come up with some kind of code: If i want sex i'll express this to you by stroking your left breast, then you reply by pulling my penis once for yes or 150 times for no.' ;D |
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Post by stonecarver on Nov 14, 2006 14:34:06 GMT
A joke i saw today- A man marries a deaf girl, he says facing her 'we need to come up with some kind of code: If i want sex i'll express this to you by stroking your left breast, then you reply by pulling my penis once for yes or 150 times for no.' ;D ;D |
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Post by missunited on Nov 14, 2006 15:03:25 GMT
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has shit his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father shagging the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time. He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where they going ?" asks the Irish chap.
"Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo !"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there is still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
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