Misc. Jokes

[moxdevil]

Especially like the domestic politics one.

[Carlito's Way]

lol @ the Chester zoo one.

[keano16]

A man and his wife are walking through a market when his wife disappears. The man tries to find his wife but being unsuccessful, walks over to a man who is standing near a fruit stall.

FIRST MAN: I wonder if you can help me. I've lost my wife.

SECOND MAN: Really, that's funny. I've lost my wife too.

FIRST MAN: What does she look like?

SECOND MAN: Blonde, six feet tall, long legs, big boobs, she's wearing a pink low cut top and a denim short skirt...what does your wife look like?

FIRST MAN: Let's find your wife first!

[missunited]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy drinks it down in one gulp.

"Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad musta happened"
"I came home early today, went up to the bedroom and there was my wife having sex with my best friend"
The bartender pours the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house".
The guy gulps it down again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ?"
The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her, 'We're through.' 'Pack your bag's and get out,' I told her!"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender.
"I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG"

---

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

---

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.

This piques the interest of the pharmacist. "What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"

So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."

---

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mum, where do babies come from?
Mum: ... Well dear....a mummy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mum: Jewelery, dear.

---

Scenario.
A girl and boy have been having a relationship for about four months. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

Her story:
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get back to his place I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else

His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.

[moxdevil]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, that fish will jump for the fly and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh..." he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more.

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time. "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots that bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly. The bear grabs the fish. The hunter shoots the bear. The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse. The mouse ducks. The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy is in serious danger.

[missunited]

[Red Yank]

good one moxdevil

[7even]

, nice one.

[Rais.n.Hell]

hahahahha....really nice...you mind if i post it on myspace?

[missunited]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of
me life between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I
was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull
him by the ears to make him come."

[Rais.n.Hell]

LOL!! So that's why you keep your wifey n your drinkin mates separate!

[moxdevil]

The Moral of Auntie Sharon:

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken".

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too".

But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.

"That was a fine story Sarah."

Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the fuck away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking."

[Rais.n.Hell]

hahaha...LOL!!! I am glad I dont have an Aunty Sharon

[Carlito's Way]

LOL. That's genius.

[moxdevil]

A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment.

"I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all."

"Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget.

The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times.

"If you think was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!"