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Post by Carlito's Way on Nov 29, 2006 11:28:57 GMT
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!" That made me laugh so hard. I don't know why.
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Post by 7even on Nov 29, 2006 14:12:31 GMT
--------- One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her. ---------
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Post by Rais.n.Hell on Nov 29, 2006 21:03:17 GMT
HAHhahahahaaa....fantastic!!...now i knw what to do when sex aint on the menu at night!!..lol
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Post by Rais.n.Hell on Nov 29, 2006 21:04:17 GMT
A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall, but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks, the two went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the size difference and all." "Just take off your clothes, lie back on the bed, spread your legs, and close your eyes," said the midget. The woman did as she was told, and soon she felt the biggest thing she had ever experienced inside her. Within a few minutes, the woman had climaxed eight times. "If you think was good," said the midget with a smirk, "just wait till I get BOTH legs in there!" Freakin awesome!!
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Post by missunited on Dec 1, 2006 12:10:55 GMT
warn friends and family
Walked into B&Q last night and some old b*stard dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking. Fortunately I got the first punch in so that was the end of that! So be careful!
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Post by stonecarver on Dec 6, 2006 11:16:18 GMT
:DNice one What do you call a bag full of cunts ? Clitoris all sorts ! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is genuine folks. A young lad from our local primary school( I guess about 6 or 7 years old ) shocked the school teachers and assembled guests at a recent school performance when he told one of his jokes. The joke was this.... Whats the difference between light and hard ?
You can sleep with a light on ! Bless his cotton socks !
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Post by Vidic's Bitch ! on Dec 6, 2006 14:25:58 GMT
haha good one! ;D
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Post by moxdevil on Dec 6, 2006 16:16:27 GMT
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!" ------------
A lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and so gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.
He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
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Post by Carlito's Way on Dec 7, 2006 15:59:58 GMT
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa," answered Billy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!" ------------ A lady is having a bed-wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room. When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and so gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror. After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her. He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head. He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a beard."
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Post by 7even on Dec 8, 2006 12:31:44 GMT
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Post by 7even on Dec 8, 2006 14:08:30 GMT
An octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical Instrument you like".
Englishman gives him a guitar and the octopus plays it better than Hendrix.
Irishman gives him a piano which the octopus plays better than Elton.
Scotsman gives him the bag pipes which the octopus fumbles.......
Few minutes pass and the Scotsman says "Whits up - can ya nay pliy it?"
Octopus replies - "Play it? I’m going to shag her brains out when I get her pyjamas off" ----------------
Chris: “Paddy you've done very well so far. You've got £125,000 and one life line left - phone a friend. The next question will give you £250,000 if you get it right but, if you get it wrong; you'll will be out of the game and drop to £32,000. Are you ready?"
Paddy: "Fire away"
Chris: "On the screen is a photo of a current Celtic player as a baby. Which Celtic player is it? Now think about this carefully, Paddy, it's worth £250,000. You're only three questions away from one million pounds."
Paddy: "I think I know who it is... err, but I'm not 100% sure... no I'm sure it's Lennon, I'm sure it's Lennon... Can I phone a friend, Chris, just to be sure?"
Chris: "Yes Paddy, who do you want to phone?"
Paddy: "I'll phone Mick."
(Ringing)
Mick: "Hullo?"
Chris: "Hello Mick, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your mate Paddy the Tim here and he's doing really well on £125,000 but needs your help to get to £250,000. This is a visual question, we're faxing you the photo now. Have you received it?"
Mick: "Yes, Chris."
Chris: "The next voice you hear will be Paddy's. He'll explain the Question and you'll have 30 seconds to answer. Fire away Paddy."
Paddy: "Hullo there, Mick."
Mick: "Hullo, Paddy."
Paddy: "Mick, that photo is a baby picture of which current Selick player. I'm sure it's Lennon, what do you think?"
Mick: "It's never Lennon, it's obviously McGeady."
Paddy: "You think so, Mick?"
Mick: "I'm sure."
Paddy: "Thanks, Mick."
(Hangs up)
Chris: "Well, a difference of opinion there. Do you want to stick on £125,000 or play on for £250,000, Paddy?"
Paddy: "I want to play, I'm so sure it's Lennon I'm going to go with ma first answer: Neil Lennon."
Chris: "You're saying Lennon?"
Paddy: "I am."
Chris: "Are you confident?"
Paddy: "Yes... Fairly..."
Chris: "You have £125,000 and you saying Lennon. If you're right you go up to £250,000 and if you're wrong you walk away with £32,000. Is Lennon your final answer?"
Paddy: "It is, Chris."
Chris: "Paddy............ I'm afraid it was wrong, sorry Paddy. Here is your cheque for £32,000. You've been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience, please put your hands together for Paddy!"
(Applause...)
Paddy: "Before I go Chris, what was the correct answer? It's killing me."
Chris: "Bobo Balde." ----------------
One day, after being in the nunnery for several years, one of the sisters goes to the mother superior and asks "I’ve studied here for so long, I would love to go to Africa and help with the famine, may I?"
The mother superior replies "well there is a lot of hard work you will have to do, firstly you will need to study medicine at a university for 4 years, then you will need to study African disease for a further 3 years, are you sure you still want to go?"
Sure of her decision, the nun replies "yes!"
She says her goodbyes and leaves the nunnery for university
On her first lesson the professor comes in and announces "today ladies and gentlemen we are going to be studying parts of the human body, this is the anatomy of a male, down here are the genitals and this is the penis..."
Suddenly the nun puts her hand up and states "sir I think you are mistaken that is not called the penis"
"I assure you it is" replies the professor
"no I don’t think it is" says the nun
"I am a professor of medicine young lady I think I know what that is" says the professor, starting to get angry
To which the nun replies "well sir, the father told us it was the horn of Gabriel and we've to blow it every Sunday" ----------------
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...because this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son; "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language.
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon!" She heard her little darling continue..."for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen. ----------------
A man orders a weight loss program and the next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lbs. As promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me."
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot!
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. As promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone,
"This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:
"I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..." ----------------
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Post by moxdevil on Dec 8, 2006 14:38:25 GMT
lol
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Post by missunited on Dec 8, 2006 15:08:05 GMT
Lol that last one was brilliant
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Post by aussiegraham (Ret.) on Dec 9, 2006 10:36:39 GMT
A doctor tells his patient he has 2 lots of bad news to impart.
"What's the first?" asks the patient.
"You have cancer" replies the doctor.
"Shit" says the patient, "that is bad. What's the other news?"
"You have Alzheimers"
"Shit" says the patient, "that is bad. What's the other news?"
________________________________________________
One morning a young man calls the emergency health helpline in a real state.
The previous night he'd met a beautiful girl when in a drunken stupor and had woken up next to her. She was horny and really hot and he was desparate to jump her bones, but he could remember part of a worrying conversation they'd had the night before which was stopping him. She'd said she had VD or TB, but he couldn't recall which!
The advice he got:
"Chase her round the bedroom and if she coughs, f*ck her!"
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Post by stonecarver on Dec 9, 2006 10:45:39 GMT
Love that last one !
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