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Post by Vidic>Superman on Dec 9, 2006 13:15:22 GMT
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Post by 7even on Dec 9, 2006 19:58:43 GMT
Posh and Beck’s are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the bridge. Posh turns to Beck’s and says:
"David, I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!"
To which Beckham replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn’t.” so they shake hands on the bet and continue watching.
Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Beckham takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Posh but she refuses it.
" I can't take your money, David," she says. "The truth is I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump.”
No, babe, fair's fair" says David. "That money is yours fair and square I was cheating just as you were. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again. --------------------
The Real Madrid players are in the dressing room on Saturday, just before the game, when Zidane walks in.
"Boss," he says, "there's a problem. I'm not playing unless I get a cortisone injection."
"Hey," says Becks. "If he's having a new car, so am I." --------------------
David Beckham goes shopping, and sees something interesting in the Kitchen department of a large department store.
” What’s that?" he asks. "A Thermos flask," replies the assistant.
"What does it do?" asks Becks.
The assistant tells him it keeps hot things hot andcold things cold. Really impressed, Beckham buys one and takes it along to his next training session.
"Here, boys, look at this," Beckham says proudly.” It’s a Thermos flask."
The lads are impressed. "What does it do?" they ask.
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, "says David.
"And what have you got in it?" ask the lads.
"Two cups of coffee and a Choc ice," replies David. --------------------
Posh takes her car into a garage to have some dents removed. The mechanic knowing she isn't the brightest Spice Girl in the world decides to play a joke on her.
"You don't need me to take those dents out," he says.
"Just blow up the exhaust pipe and the metal will pop back into place”. So she takes the car home and tries it.
David spots her from the house and shouts “You silly cow! You have to wind the windows up first!" --------------------
David Beckham is celebrating: "57 days, 57 days!" he shouts happily. Posh asks him why he is celebrating. He answers: "Well, I've done this jigsaw in only 57 days.” Is that good?" asks Posh" You bet," says David. "It says 3 to 5 years on the box." --------------------
David Beckham had a near-death experience the other day when he went riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bucking up and down out of control. He tried with all his might to hang on but it was no good. With his foot caught in the stirrup, he fell head first to the ground. His head continued to bump on the ground as the horse refused to stop or even slow down. Fortunately, however, there was a happy ending. Just as he was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Woolworth's' manager came along and unplugged it. --------------------
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't the cow was killed. Posh told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
“What happened?"asked Posh.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied:” I’m Victoria Beckham's driver, and I just killed the cow." --------------------
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Post by redom on Dec 9, 2006 20:20:36 GMT
I love this thread
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Post by redom on Dec 9, 2006 20:35:22 GMT
This guy went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm having problems with my sex life!"
Doctor: "What do you mean?"
Guy: "Well, I'm just not getting any."
Doctor: "Look out the window then."
Guy: "Oh yeah, I see that convent. Good idea Doctor!"
Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of mushrooms in front of it?"
The guy looks across and sees a beautiful young nun picking mushrooms.
The doctor then says, "Well, if you go place yourself underneath the mushrooms with only your dick sticking out, you certainly won't regret it."
The next morning, the guy is lying underneath the patch of mushrooms, with his dick sticking out, as the doctor had said, and the most beautiful young nun walks along with a basket.
She starts picking mushrooms, while singing a little song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., four..."
The guy cannot believe it; he is enjoying this so much.
That night while down at the pub, he is telling his story to his mates and one of them (who is very drunk) decides to go and try this out for himself.
So, that night he goes down to the convent, and places himself underneath the patch of mushrooms, and leaves his dick sticking out. In the morning, the fattest, most repulsive and butch nun comes along with her basket.
She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song: "One little mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., FOUR little mushrooms for my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket..."
---------------------------------
A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
Doctor: "Can you read the bottom line?"
Girl: "No."
Doctor: "Can you read the center line?"
Girl: "No."
Doctor: "Can you read the large top line?"
Girl: "No."
Doctor (getting frustrated): "Can you even see the chart?"
Girl: "No."
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his Johnson out of his pants.
Doctor: "Can you see this?"
Girl: "Of course!"
Doctor: "Well, there's your problem -- you're cock-eyed!"
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Post by moxdevil on Dec 12, 2006 16:53:41 GMT
Rules of bedroom golf
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Course played on must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again!
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played on or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a golf course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change at any time. For this reason, many players prefer to continue playing on several different courses.
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Post by Rais.n.Hell on Dec 12, 2006 20:17:10 GMT
F**kin awesome guys!! i just loved the last 3-4 posts
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Post by moxdevil on Dec 14, 2006 14:19:11 GMT
A married couple were lying in bed one night.
The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, as the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special area. He does this a few times, but only for a very short intervals before turning back to read his book.
The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement she gets up and starts stripping in front of him.
The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes?"
His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay. "The husband says, "No, not at all."
His wife asks angrily, "Well, then what the hell were you doing ?"
Seconds before his death he says...
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages." ;D
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Post by Rais.n.Hell on Dec 14, 2006 21:58:01 GMT
hahahahahah!!! fantastic!!
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Post by 7even on Dec 14, 2006 23:31:47 GMT
A young man called Ron, wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long, and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister, and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic, and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods Ladies Department, and they selected a pair of dainty, fur-lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift-wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves, and Ron got the knickers.
Good old Ron sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter:
Dear Sasha,
I chose these, because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it hadn't been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones, and says that they are much easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, and I chose them because the lady I bought them from, showed me a similar pair, which she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring, which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I could be there to put them on for you, the very first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just imagine, how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love, Ron.
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. --------
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Post by missunited on Dec 14, 2006 23:54:03 GMT
lol that is brilliant
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Post by Rais.n.Hell on Dec 15, 2006 2:23:00 GMT
Hahhahahaha!!! Brilliant!!! I am stealin this for MySpace!...this letter needs to get out!...hahahah!!
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Post by moxdevil on Dec 15, 2006 13:16:53 GMT
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE MENTALLY DISTURBED
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
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Post by 7even on Dec 15, 2006 13:18:25 GMT
Ha, ha !
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Post by Rais.n.Hell on Dec 15, 2006 18:40:50 GMT
#Christmas_Smilie_Laugh#
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Post by Vidic>Superman on Dec 15, 2006 18:43:55 GMT
A young man called Ron, wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long, and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister, and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic, and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods Ladies Department, and they selected a pair of dainty, fur-lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift-wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves, and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter: Dear Sasha, I chose these, because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it hadn't been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones, and says that they are much easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, and I chose them because the lady I bought them from, showed me a similar pair, which she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring, which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them. I wish I could be there to put them on for you, the very first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just imagine, how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on our next date. All my love, Ron. P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing. -------- Thats brilliant
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