Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 2, 2012 0:14:19 GMT
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin, three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified.My six-year-old son caught me masturbating this morning. He said, "What are you doing daddy?" "It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why, daddy?" he asked. "Because my arm is fucking killing me." These you should be ashamed of . The last one I think somebody has been visiting sickipedia
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Post by Dan United on Jul 2, 2012 8:14:30 GMT
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin, three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid...then I was petrified. My six-year-old son caught me masturbating this morning. He said, "What are you doing daddy?" "It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon." "Why, daddy?" he asked. "Because my arm is fucking killing me." Those are fantastic. I knew it was a good move bumping this thread. If only I could think of some jokes
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Post by Dan United on Jul 2, 2012 8:53:05 GMT
Stolen from Sickipedia
'Henry' the Hoover, that small round thing that you drag round the house with that stupid grin as it bumps into everything possible.
Can't help thinking 'Harvey' would have been a more suitable name.
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Post by moxdevil on Jul 2, 2012 20:31:15 GMT
I was alone on a late train last night when a gorgeous cute girl got on and sat directly across from me. I couldn't help but notice her skirt had ridden up revealing her panties to me.
She showed no interest in hiding her charms, her face was expressionless & she exuded an aloof sexuality I could not resist.
I dropped to my knees, gradually moving forward with the sole intention of placing my nose & tongue between her parted thighs.
As I got closer and could hear the panting get louder I thought to myself, "I really wish her guide dog would fuck off!"
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 15:24:52 GMT
World hunger is getting ridiculous. There's more fruit in my shampoo than there is in an African village.
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Post by traffordbrown on Jul 3, 2012 15:26:16 GMT
World hunger is getting ridiculous. There's more fruit in my shampoo than there is in an African village. Don't let Bono hear you making cracks like that. He'll 'ave ya.
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Post by traffordbrown on Jul 3, 2012 15:27:36 GMT
How do you coax a Grizzly down from a tree using only cheese?
"Come on bear...... Come on bear......."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 3, 2012 23:13:15 GMT
I was just laying in bed last night, cuddling my girlfriend after sex, when she looked at me and said "Daz, how do you spell Paedophile?" I looked at her and said "Wow, that's an awfully big word for an 8 year old honey"
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Post by Bestie on Jul 10, 2012 10:12:52 GMT
At a wine merchant the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass of wine to drink.
He tried it and said,"It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass ....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope,oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."
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Post by redcase on Jul 10, 2012 10:17:34 GMT
That made me LOL
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Post by Dan United on Jul 10, 2012 16:58:24 GMT
OKay, this is a visual joke, so I'll do my best. Why do women love jesus? Because he's hung like this
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Post by CaajScot on Oct 7, 2014 20:40:37 GMT
1. Put both lid's of the toilet up and add 1/8th of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid's.You may have to stand on the lid. 4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying it. 5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a 'Power Wash' and 'Rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and front door. 7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the toilet and cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours sincerely. The Dog.
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_
United School Boy
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Post by _ on Oct 7, 2014 23:17:37 GMT
I've given my cat your address
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Post by CaajScot on Oct 22, 2014 18:28:18 GMT
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rafael02
United Reserve Player
Posts: 464
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Post by rafael02 on Oct 29, 2014 16:59:46 GMT
There's a few funny jokes in here!! I'ma living it!
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