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Post by CaajScot on Oct 30, 2014 13:36:25 GMT
There's a few funny jokes in here!! I'ma living it! You might like this one then. Blonde paint job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Post by CaajScot on Oct 30, 2014 14:03:38 GMT
Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
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Post by CaajScot on Nov 14, 2014 10:32:01 GMT
Xmas coming up. This cat has had a wash.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2015 11:39:08 GMT
Rooney pretending to be a midfielder is pretty funny but who's got an actual joke?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2015 12:10:23 GMT
I was walking along the other day, and on the road I saw a small, dead, baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief- Milton Jones.
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Post by traffordbrown on Feb 9, 2015 19:05:49 GMT
I was walking along the other day, and on the road I saw a small, dead, baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief- Milton Jones. I just laughed out loud.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2015 12:08:18 GMT
My Grandad was highly decorated in World War Two… in fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.
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Post by _ on Feb 16, 2015 13:59:57 GMT
I was walking along the other day, and on the road I saw a small, dead, baby ghost. Although thinking about it, it might have been a handkerchief- Milton Jones. Reminded me of the old windy Egremont routine by Mike Harding Thought he saw a rubber glove and it turned out to be a small dog blown inside out
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Post by _ on Feb 16, 2015 14:06:14 GMT
Reminds me of this - how times have changed since the 70s
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Post by CaajScot on Feb 16, 2015 18:14:37 GMT
On a beautiful summer's day two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the staff member: "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"
The girl leaned over and said: "Burrr-Gurrr-King"
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Post by _ on Feb 17, 2015 15:32:56 GMT
One for the colonials The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These boys will be dropped off in Iraq , and have been given only the following facts about ISIS : 1. The season opened today, 2. There is no bag limit, 3. They taste just like chicken, 4. They don’t like beer, bacon, BBQ, pickups, nude women, country music...or Jesus, AND 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt . The Pentagon expects the ISIS problem to be over by next Friday .
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Post by Bestie on Feb 17, 2015 16:37:26 GMT
One for the colonials The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These boys will be dropped off in Iraq , and have been given only the following facts about ISIS : 1. The season opened today, 2. There is no bag limit, 3. They taste just like chicken, 4. They don’t like beer, bacon, BBQ, pickups, nude women, country music...or Jesus, AND 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt They. Are. GAAAY. The Pentagon expects the ISIS problem to be over by next Friday .
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Post by wolvesred on Mar 18, 2015 20:28:58 GMT
A father and his 12 year old daughter are taking a bath together to keep the bills down. The daughter sees his cock and says "whats that between your legs dad?". "A cock" he replies. She looks between her own legs and wondering why she hasnt got one says "when will I get a cock?". Dad replies, "As soon as your mothers gone to bingo love".
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Post by _ on Mar 18, 2015 20:40:35 GMT
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner: took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Post by wolvesred on Mar 18, 2015 20:44:41 GMT
Thor is talking to Loki in Valhalla. He says "Im bored Loki. A thousand years up here and ive had to be celibate. Im dying for a shag". Loki says,"Why dont you nip down to Earth for a day? Go to Soho, London, look for women sitting in the windows. They will see you alright". The next day Thor goes to Soho, sees a woman sitting in a window, goes up shoves open the door and has sex for 24 hours straight, as hes desperate and also a God. The next day hes telling Loki how he had performed. Loki said, "Blimey that must of cost you a fortune, and frightened the life out of the whore". Thor replies, "Whore? I thought you meant they just were nymphos I didnt realise you had to pay. I'd better go and explain myself and pay up". At that he went back down to London, and knocked on the prostitutes door. She opened the door, and he said, "Sorry I didnt pay you, and by the way im Thor". She said, "Your Thor! Im tho thor I cant thit down!".
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