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United School Boy
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Post by _ on Mar 18, 2015 20:53:27 GMT
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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Post by wolvesred on Mar 18, 2015 21:08:59 GMT
A bloke goes to work and the foreman says, "morning Jim late this morning". Jim says, "Dont call me Jim call me lucky Jim". "Whys that", says the foreman. "Well I was late for the bus and missed it, but it was involved in a crash at the end of the road. No one dead but everyone had to go to hospital". Wow you were lucky. Lucky Jim" said the foreman
The next day the foreman says "morning lucky Jim". Jim says "Dont call me lucky jim. Call me lucky, lucky Jim", Foreman says "Blimey whats happened now?". "Well I put the lottery on and I use mine, the missus, and kids birthdays as numbers. I accidently picked the number next to the missus's birthday and instead of having 4 numbers up for £90, I got 5 and won £4000!". Foreman says "blimey you are lucky, lucky lucky Jim".
The next day the foreman says "morning lucky, lucky Jim". Jim says, "Dont call me lucky, lucky Jim. Call me lucky, lucky, lucky Jim". Foreman looks at him and says "Bloody hell. Whats happened now?" Jim says, "Last night because of the win we were celebrating. I was fucking the missus, it was a warm night so I opened the window. The wind blew the window shut, the pane fell out and chopped a great big groove in my arse. I was up the hospital all night having stitches, but you know me never miss work!". "Blimey but hows that lucky?" says the foreman. Jim says, "well 5 minutes earlier and it would of chopped me fuckin head off!"
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Post by wolvesred on Mar 18, 2015 21:26:50 GMT
A irishman walks into a pub in Manchester at 11pm and orders 3 pints of beer. He necks them one after the other. Then he leaves. He does this again the next night. He then does it the next night, but before he leaves the gaffer says, "Excuse me mate. I'm not normally nosey but i've never seen you before and its a bit weird what your doing". The irishman says, "Sorry if it seems strange, but I've recently moved into the area. Im Paddy, and I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York, the other is in Paris. We all go to the pub at the same time. Its midnight in Paris and 6pm in New York and we all have 3 pints. It feels like were all having a drink together".
For the next 2 weeks this happens every night. One night he comes in and says, "Just 2 pints tonight gaffer", necks them and leaves. He does the same the next night. He does the same the next night, but just as hes ready to leave the gaffer stops him. "alright mate. Do you remember me asking you a couple of weeks ago about why you were necking 3 pints, and you told me you were having a drink with your brothers", said the gaffer. Paddy says, "yes thats right. What of it?". The gaffer says, "well youve only been having 2 pints for the last few nights. Im sorry to ask. Has something happened to one of your brothers?". Paddy lets out a guffaw and says, "no no its nothing like that. Its me, I've packed in drinking"
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Post by wolvesred on Mar 18, 2015 21:28:26 GMT
What animal never feels colder....an otter
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United School Boy
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Post by _ on Mar 18, 2015 21:56:42 GMT
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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United School Boy
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Post by _ on Mar 21, 2015 16:26:05 GMT
As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German,
a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian,
an Armenian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek,
a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an
African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "
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United School Boy
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Post by _ on Mar 26, 2015 19:55:46 GMT
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit. She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lass a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Pour the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lass another drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.'
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Post by CaajScot on Mar 26, 2015 20:01:47 GMT
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit. She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will buy a lass a drink?' The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, 'Pour the ballerina a drink!' The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lass another drink?' Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!' The bartender approached the drunk and said, 'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?' The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina.'  FPMSL. Nice one.  |
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Post by wolvesred on Mar 26, 2015 22:35:22 GMT
A small weedy man is locked up for tax evasion. He gets locked up with the largest brute you could ever lay your eyes on 6'6" and full of muscle. The brute just stares at him all day long without saying a word, and the little man is thinking oh lord! Im scared!. Lights out comes, and finally the brute says, "Whats your name?". "Frank" says the little man "Well Frank lets play a game, lets play mommys and daddies". Frank is now panicing thinking hes gonna rape me oh god."Please dont hurt me" he says. The brute says "Relax! Tell you what i'll let you choose. Do you want to be mommy or daddy?" Frank thinks well i'll be safer being the man, and says "I'll be the daddy". The brute stands up drops his trousers and says, "Well come over here and suck mommys cock!"
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United School Boy
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Post by _ on Mar 30, 2015 9:56:51 GMT
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both..
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything...
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees.
As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
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United School Boy
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Post by _ on Mar 31, 2015 21:22:26 GMT
An Irish daughter had not been home for ten years.
Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Dad, I was too embarrassed. I became a prostitute."
"Ye what? Get out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK , Daddy, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, a title deed to an eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.” She takes a breath and continues, "And an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become." says Daddy.
Girl, crying again said, "A prostitute Daddy!"
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."
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United School Boy
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Post by _ on Apr 5, 2015 10:32:00 GMT
Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
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On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
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On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun,
Have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
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On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it.
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So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
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Post by CaajScot on Apr 5, 2015 10:50:59 GMT
Wife - "What are your plans for easter dear?"
Hubby - "The same as what Jesus did"
Wife - "What was that dear?"
Hubby -"I will dissapear on Friday and return on Sunday dear"
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Post by wolvesred on Apr 5, 2015 17:52:38 GMT
The queen passes away in storyland and after a years mourning the king decides to remarry. He also thinks he would like to marry a beautiful teenage virgin. He sends his men far and wide to bring back the 3 most beautiful teenagers they can find. They eventually return with 3 sisters aged 18,17, and 16. "These are by far the most beautiful girls we could find" they say. The king goes to his chambers and calls in the eldest. He had a plan to test whether they were virgins. He opens up his robes and gets his pecker out. "What do you think this is?" he says. The girl has a big grin on her face. "Is it your cock? Oh my!". The king sends her out thinking shes no virgin. He calls the 17 year old in.Once again he opens up his robes and gets his pecker out. "What do you think this is?" he says. The girl starts sniggering. "Is it...is it your cock? blimey!". The king sends her out thinking shes no virgin either. Finally he calls the youngest and the prettiest in. He opens up his robes and gets his pecker out. "What do you think this is?" he says. The girl bursts out laughing and says "I havent the foggiest". The king thrilled at this decides he will marry this one. After a month they are finally married he strips off in the bed chamber and says, "You know I picked you over your sisters because you didnt know what this was". She looks down at it again, frowns and says "I still dont know what it is". "Its my cock", he says proudly. She looks surprised and then bursts out laughing. "You call that a cock? Ive been double fisted by men with thumbs bigger than that!"
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United School Boy
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Post by _ on Apr 6, 2015 14:22:47 GMT
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to
His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords." It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats as far as possible all looking for something on the floor.
The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in !
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Greatness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt'…"
"Of course," the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the cross-word, "You wouldn't have an eraser, would you?…"
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