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Post by CaajScot on May 5, 2015 6:26:55 GMT
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Post by grandpaTJ on May 11, 2015 2:48:22 GMT
No matter who you are, I've found a lot of people really laugh at Fart Jokes. Even when we don't want to. This one has had me chuckling off an on all day, soon as I saw it, wasn't very much time till it was on the way to most of my email lists
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Post by CaajScot on May 20, 2015 22:46:36 GMT
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Post by CaajScot on May 24, 2015 19:51:17 GMT
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Post by CaajScot on May 24, 2015 19:55:31 GMT
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Post by CaajScot on Jun 10, 2015 7:08:34 GMT
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Post by CaajScot on Jun 27, 2015 11:38:15 GMT
Dave's Know your car washing lights.
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Post by IRD17_Kaushik on Jun 30, 2015 5:07:52 GMT
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger... In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request???"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse. Alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen Very Carefully!!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME... I SAID...' BRING POSSE'"
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Post by aussiegraham on Jun 30, 2015 21:47:40 GMT
Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower: Mongrel, Coot and Bluey. As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.
Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?' 'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow." She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'
Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.
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Post by IRD17_Kaushik on Jul 9, 2015 5:31:34 GMT
John & Debbie were sweet innocent young 18yr olds who had been dating for some 3 months.One day whilst holding hands in the park Debbie said to John "why don't you come over to my house for a meal with my Mum & Dad , they will be going out afterwards for several hours , and we could go upstairs to my room ...but I need you to get to take precautions" So it was agreed John would come over on wednesday. On Tuesday John went to the Pharmacy , and on entering saw a lady behind the counter and felt embarrassed , but saw a man standing at the back and asked if he could speak to him.
The man (who was the Pharmacist) came over and John explained to him that he was going to see his girlfriend the next day and they were taking things a bit further , but he had never done this before. The Pharmacist told John all about contraception and the different types he could have . John said to the Pharmacist "I will take the ribbed ones please"
Pharmacist , " They are $1 each or a box is $10. John "I'll take a box please it could be a long night"
On Wednesday he arrived at his girlfriends house , she met him at the door "Mum and Dad are at the table we are just ready to eat". They went in and she introduced him and sat down at the table. They all bowed their heads as Dad said grace , as they prepared to eat the other 3 noticed John still had his head bowed so out of respect sat and waited. The minutes went by and still John kept his head bowed , after 5 mins Debbie nudged him and whispered in his ear , "I did not know you were so religious?"
John " I am not, but I need all the help I can get"
Debbie "why what is wrong ?"
John " you never told me your Dad was a Pharmacist " !!
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Post by CaajScot on Jul 25, 2015 10:08:55 GMT
A long one, so I will put it as a spoiler. HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Rinse off. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN: Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 11:45:52 GMT
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Post by CaajScot on Aug 13, 2015 17:11:37 GMT
As is tradition in Italian families, Maria spends her wedding night in her family home. Her mother sleeps in the adjacent room in case Maria has any questions. Mama tells Maria, "You have any a problem, you come and see Mama."
Later, Maria's husband unbuttons his shirt, and Maria jumps up, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama.. He has hair all over his chest..!"
Mama reassures Maria, "Men have hair on the chest. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
But when Maria's husband takes off his belt, she goes jumps up again, runs next door and cries, "Mama, Mama..! He has a protrusion in his pants..!"
Mama reassures her, "He finds you beautiful. This is sign of a good man. Go now and make him happy."
Finally, Maria's husband takes off his shoes. Due to a terrible childhood accident, he only has half of his right foot. Maria jumps up and runs back to her mother's room, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"
Her mother gets up and announces, "Stand back, Maria -- this is a job for your Mama!!"
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Post by IRD17_Kaushik on Aug 14, 2015 13:36:12 GMT
A petrol station owner was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'
Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged.. at all... My wife won twice last week.'
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Post by ScholesEvilTwin on Sept 11, 2015 16:06:14 GMT
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Regards, John Cleese , British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
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