Bit of advice?

[tommyred]

Probably going to get mocked for this by the so called "lads" of the forum but I don't really care to be honest. If I get a couple of decent pieces of advice I'll be happy.

Think I might have mentioned it before but basically I'm 24 and a virgin. Never done anything with a girl or come close to losing it, never dated a girl or anything like that, never even been friends with a girl really. I'm not really embarassed to say it. I'm just obviously frustrated and can't see the situation ever changing, even though I really want to change it. I have a few issues, mainly low confidence and no experience talking to girls. Don't have a sister, never had female friends like I said so I'm really not sure how to communicate with them. I just want SOMETHING to happen with a girl whether its sex, a relationship or just talking to them, but I've not got the confidence to approach random girls in clubs etc, even when pissed up. I have health issues too but I feel I've been using that as a crutch and I want to try to press on regardless. I was unemployed for ages which doesn't help but I've got a job now. Hopefully pass my driving test in 2 weeks. Still live with my parents but I don't think that's too bad right now. I plan to move out eventually but I need to keep working and save some money first.

So what I'm asking is, how would you go about breaking out of this? It's become an obsession for me and the whole point of my life, and obviously when you reach your mid 20s in this situation you worry that it's never going to change. I want to really take matters into my own hands and try to change my life, but I simply don't know how.

I know it's a footy forum and people will laugh and say it's pathetic etc, but hopefully there's a few people mature enough to give an intelligent answer. Any advice would be helpful. I don't really have any mates I can discuss this with, hence I'm posting this.


Cheers.

[jimbonda]

go amsterdam and hit the district 50 euros will see you alright

only joking tommo my old mate. nowt to be embarrassed about, everyone is different. also everyone has their own issues to work through. i've got mates who were virgins at 25 years old, purely through their own circumstances.

dunno how u feel about going into further detail on this thread about your health issues etc.

[reddub]

Just on your age and not having sex, believe me there are people out there who haven't lost their virginity, 25 years and older, due to personal choice or circumstances, jimbonda is correct, people have their own issues.

You most certainly aren't the only one in that particular boat, everybody differs.

[Stew]

Fair play to you for opening up. Most important piece of advice is just be yourself. Rather than clubs and bars, work is a good place to meet people so it's good that you have a job. Good for your self esteem also. Apart from Utd, any interests or hobbies? Again, you never know where you'll end up chatting to someone.

Romantic advice- Women smell desperation from about 2000 yards away. Remember that always!

[jimbonda]

Dec 4, 2011 21:46:34 GMT Stew said:

Romantic advice- Women smell desperation from about 2000 yards away. Remember that always!

100% true this. i can spot when a mate is too pushy or barking up the wrong tree but a girls instinct for this is finely tuned.

[Deleted]

Nothing to be embarrased about big man.
I was the same, though won't lie to you I was younger than you, but lost my virginity at 20, all my mates were shagging at 14 and 15, and yeah, it embarases you. I just couldn't seem to pluck up the courage to chat to a bird, and if a conversation ever happened, i.e. my mate starts chatting some bird up in a pub, so I'm left with her mate, I just couldn't for the life of me think what the fuck to say.
So I lied to my mates and myself and pretended that when I go out, I just wanna get as wasted as I could, as quick as I could; I didn't really, just knew that later in the night, when they start hitting on birds, I had an excuse not to do or say anything, because I'd be slumped against the wall out my tree. I was the daft drunken mate.
The basic important things to know are that,
1- It will happen, don't stress out too much about, though I know you can't help it as people would say to me not to worry you'll lose it sooner than later, but of course I would worry, it's human nature, and no amount of telling me not to worry would change that. But it will, I happened to lose my virginity to a bird I kinda knew, her best mate was going out with a friend of mine, so when we ended up sitting next to each other one night, I had one or two subjects that I could approach, and it helped that I didn't actually fancy her to be honest, if she'd been smart I would have sat dumb, drinking faster and faster to get drunk. But loe and behold, it did happen, eventually!
2- Women are just like men. The big thing about men and women is how different we are, but when you get down to it, we're not. Birds get all dressed up for a night out, because they want to look good and be noticed, just like guys do. Birds like sex, just like guys. There's a load of birds just interested in one night stands (try student night's out, just a friendly tip!), just like blokes. We're looking for the same thing, so they aren't gonna bite your head off if you smile and say HI.
3- That is the best way of approaching a bird. Ignore shitty chat up lines, they're best used in 1970's carry on films. Make eye contact, if she holds your look for a little while longer then you'd expect, she has some interest. If you want to approach her, take a breath, walk over and say "Hi, how's it going?" If she has mates around and you don't want to do anything whilst they're there, wait until she goes to the bar, or her mates go the bathroom, anytime she's on her own or at least some of her friends have left. If she looks like she's up for a conversation, chat about the same regular things you'd ask a bloke about; where she lives, what she does for a living, what her name is; again, birds are pretty similar to us, just a regular chat isn't going to freak her out. And remember, most birds are pretty regular, decent people. If they're not interested, they won't scream "Fuck off rapist!" They'll just let you know they have a boyfriend, or aren't looking for anything, something along those lines, it's not actually that bad.
4- Once it does happen, the confidence will flow. As I say, I've been there; very little confidence, no morale, self loathing, hiding in a pint glass, you just need certain things to big yourself up. I joined a gym and lost weight, grew my hair (always kept it shaved, let it grow, and realised I looked a lot better with longer hair than a shaved head, mainly because it helps hide my FA Cup style ears!), changed my style, out went the old clothes I always wore and I bought new stuff, T shirts, trainers, and jeans, and again I cottoned on to the fact that I looked a lot better than I had 6 months earlier.
You don't have to totally change your appearance like I did, it's just I realised I was unhappy with the way I looked, it was just the way I always had and never had the bottle to make a drastic change, but things always improve.
It always look darkest before the dawn, and once things change you'll end up looking back to how you are now and be able to amile, trust me.

[jimbonda]

a lot of relationships are trial and error. i've only had two serious ones that lasted a couple of years apiece and i've made probably every gaffe under the sun. you shouldn't take things too seriously but the key is just being honest with your girl and hopefully her being honest with you. every relationship has it's problems to get around and the only way is by communicating properly.

i'd say just enjoy going out with your boys tommo, do your thing and the girls always seem to appear on your radar when you least expect it. if you go out intending to pull it aint gonna happen or if it does she's probably not gonna be anything special.

job wise have u got short, mid and long term ideas for what u want to do?

[reddub]

I totally agree with the work suggestion, a hell of a lot of blokes meet their future girlfriends/ wives at work.

[Bestie]

Seriously, I wouldn't worry about it mate.

I lived with a good mate of mine for the last three years who was self-confessed hopeless with women. Girls, ladies, skanks, couldn't talk to any of them. I once brought him over to a table of three or four girls, introduced the both of us, started the conversation, and by the time I was back from the bar with our drinks, he'd bolted to our old table.

He was always asking me how I managed to just talk to women, and now he's managed to not only talk to girls, but has had two pretty serious relationships on the basis of my cajoling (well, he said that my drilling the advice into him for 2 years helped him go talk to them to begin with!). Hopefully I can be of some use to you as well!

One, forget about the sex thing. It happens when it happens and for the purposes of talking to women you seriously don't need that distraction.

You just need to summon the confidence in yourself, cheesy as it sounds. Everytime you want to speak to a girl and feel scared, remind yourself how bullshit it is that you can't do something as basic as speak. Then just go over and talk to her.

It may or may not go well, but remember that rejection isn't failure, and most girls will be polite enough for you to small-talk at least a few lines even if they aren't interested. So you're getting practice anytime you do it!

Do it anywhere too, don't just think about the old cliche of 'chatting up a bird in a bar/club'. Trains are good because if you can get sitting beside a women, chatting is natural. Always try to sit on the aisle seat if both are free, that way you can offer to move over and let a girl sit down - instant gentleman points! Shop assistants, bank tellers, any woman you naturally have to talk to in everyday life.

Hope that helps at all mate! I used to be pretty pathetic when it came to talking to girls, but at some point that completely changed. I don't really know how or when. I can really appreciate it not fazing me anymore, so I try to push anyone else I can into just being confident enough to do it too!

[ericactor1]

Fair play for being so open man, brave thing.

I know lads with that low confidence, i'm one myself but just use the shyness as a tactic somehow.

I'm going to suggest something and you might laugh but I find it does work, try joining your local drama group. Its a great way to mingle with people and gain confidence when talking to the opposite sex, in drama groups everyone is open and you'll find yourself chatting to girls without thinking about confidence or anything.

[Chris]

Don't worry about it mate. The more you think of it, the less chance anything will happen because you are putting yourself under pressure. Just relax yourself and go with the flow. Be confident. The job thing will help. I've been there before.

I've certainly had my share of the ladies since I turned 16. I find that I'm better at talking to women than talking to blokes, but I wasn't always like that. Customer service jobs gave me confidence to talk to anyone and it really helped. Anyway, moving on from that, your thread really depends on what you're after. While I have nailed lots of ladies, I have also got bored with it. Decided that I needed a girlfriend, but I couldn't find one round the bars. I did the 'loser' route and joined a dating site. 14 months later, I'm in the best relationship I've had in my 28 years. Thats a great way to start. Even if you get nothing long term, you will boost your confidence just by chatting.

[Tatty]

No one's gonna give you shit for this. I only lost my v-plates this year at the age of 27. Everyone's different. The worst thing you can do is put women on some unreachable pedestal, that's the worst thing you can do. What you need to realise is most girls are like us. They have the same insecurities, fears and niggling doubts.

As people have said do things that take you out of your comfort zone. Join and go to a gym, join an Am-dram society, learn a martial art, start a night school course etc, anywhere where you can speak to women on an even footing.

The best thing I did was going to a speed-dating night at one of the locals. There were no real lookers or anything, but you learn how to 'sell' yourself in minutes and you're guarenteed to get at least one phone number.

In short:
Be yourself.
Boost your confidence doing things you enjoy.
Try new things.
Don't be scared of women. They're beautiful creatures who do wonderful things.
Don't smell bad.

PS: As people said. Work is the best place to meet women. Talk to as many as you can, talk to the ones who share your break and lunchtimes. Talk to the ones near your desk.

Another tip I used, when you go to the pub to watch United or something, always try and get served by the best looking barmaid. Ask how she is, when she finishes dumb stuff like that, it's a small non-committal thing, but she'll appreciate being asked how she is etc and you get experience talking to a pretty girl and if you can talk to a pretty girl yoy can talk to any girl in the world.

[Dan United]

I think Chris is right - dating sites might be the way to go. It's two people meeting each other for the first time, so nerves or whatever are gonna be expected. I've been single for the past year and I'm thinking it's something I should be doing too. I have the same problems approaching women, and the ones I do approach often are the worst possible ones. The amount of girls I've wasted my time on who are unavailable. Anyway, that's another matter.

It's always easier to give advice than take it, but I think you'd be doing yourself a favour by just changing your social life a bit. Try joining groups, a gym maybe, or volunteering somewhere. When you meet women at these things you instantly have something to talk about because you've got a shared experience - that's why it's easier to find women at work. You can just approach them and talk about the thing you're there for, it doesn't have to be flirting or anything, just a simple ice breaker.

[Bestie]

I agree with everyone*, and actually want to put an addition to my earlier comments. Over and above not trying to only strike up a conversation with women in a bar/club situation, I'd go so far as to arguing to completely avoid it, the barmaid exempted obviously.

Girls expect to be chatted up in a bar, they're ready for it with guards up and it makes it more difficult to get any to and fro going.

*_{Not the dating site bit, as I can't comment.}

[WillieRedNut]

You might be a virgin Tommy, but you have balls the size of bowling balls! Seriously though, takes some courage to come on a forum and say something like this. Fair play, mate. I think everyones covered it. One thing I will say, meeting a girl in a bar, or club, isn't always the answer. Don't put yourself under needless pressure. Be yourself mate. What I mean by that is, don't put on an act. Women see right through it. You could meet the girl of your dreams, in the most unexpected place. I'm still waiting on Megan Fox returning my calls lol.